Moodiness

If only I weren’t lonely

If I could be satisfied

If I didn’t know you

If I believed you wouldn’t have lied

If I could be sure you really tried

If I could take your word

If you didn’t sabotage our love

At every turn

If only I hadn’t been burned

So many times before you

If I only had eyes for you

I know in my heart you were never true

Still can’t seem to stop myself wanting you

Still can’t stop feeling so lonely and blue

Can’t stop wanting to hear the sound of your voice

I gave up on you and me

You left me alone

Felt like a clown for wanting you

For believing your pretenses

For believing you were demure

For our ephemeral dalliance

For our creation,

An Elysian delight

Crushed by epiphany

Crude awakening

To halcyon fantasy

Surreptitious whispers

Feel so down

Feel like a part of you is with me

Feel a need to have you with me

Even if life with you could never be
Dreams survive in my head

Kind of reminds me of If by Rudyard Kipling written in 1943 which is still very valid today.

+Enrico Miguel Thomas

*  Enrico called me "The white female Tupac" which I consider a great compliment!

+Brad Eubanks 

See Clearly Abundant Obstacles

Purple luminescent moon, deep florescent blue-sky

mirror eyes refuse to judge and see

I become one of them

I am one of them

The ones who have done wrongs

I am one of them

The one who sees the right

Moons up high in a golden sky

Up high, purple, not golden, I see it - violet, not yellow

One love one world one desire

Nature no longer pure

No one can fight the flow of love 

the truth will set me free 

the truth is set before me but I only see 

what they put there for me to see 

in control of xyz, who’s in control in domain e 

I can’t see but what is put before me 

I only see what they want me to see,
like Fox news on TV, 

I’ve become part of what they let me see

Please let me see

Fear the answer in deed

The truth will set me free

Truth wind and fire, free desire

I’m on fire tonight

What a sign a sight of Taweret       (prounouced D-aww-waH-Ray)

Seshat made me ride the dragon

Turned tides trite keep the darned lamp lit

I know where to sit plus I gave you my turn

Reality begs the question to answer

Com’on and give me some loving keep it tight tonight

Give me some of that sweet loving tonight

Found a man to do me right

Give me some of that sweet sweet loving tonight

The very sight of you makes me cry

remember the night you first invited me to join you

Sweet cheat in my heart

Eyes Wide Open I see the magic mysteries of trees

Easy to see magic in trees, adorned and leaves bereft, 

flowers and other foliage carried away in the storm 

I can’t digest the storm in my heart

Thunders with discontent

Doors close, all alone, listening to word play, 

new words mist to old, the saxophone wails 

while my heart fails to close, 

beg for mercy feel snow flakes falling on my head

Silver branches reverie, a starlit night, stark bare branches

crystalized icy leaves twinkle bright on a bitter chill night

November ends red and violet changes to gold caprice and yellow

mystified by how simple a delight

Ice my shivers, silver dragon fantasies



_________________________________
Seshat: Ancient Egyptian goddess of wisdom, knowledge and writing
Twaret: Protective ancient Egyptian goddess of childbirth and fertility.

The Only One

 I thought about you and watched videos of us inside of me. I sat and cried for what I thought we’d had but slowly over the next year I realized our life was recreated from a fantasy of what I desired from you. In my mind the dream I’d created of who you are became real. Slowly over time you proved to me again and again that the dream was a fantasy. Being subjected to your unrelenting anger and sarcasm was nothing new. What became new was now I saw the things you did for what they are. You proved that I never possessed the dream I desired. You proved that I only see things the way I want to see them. I went back in time in my mind rearranging the pieces of our lives. I had never wanted to see you for who you are so I created the man I hoped to find. Picking through the events in time now I see I saw you, as I wanted you to be.  You were always the way I see you now but I refused to see who you were when we were together. To survive I lived a fantasy.

Living in dreams enriches my life but there is the comedown when I realize it’s only a dream, a rich fantasy about how I want things to be but not the way they really are. Everyone I see is colored through whatever lens I am wearing that day. I live in bright-distorted colors of varying shades and intensities.  Blue is rarely true blue and it is in my nature to stay true to myself. I am fickle. I change colors.

My sad is midnight blue yet I keep trying to see stars peeking through. Green seeps through me helping me keep in touch with nature yet I’m streaked with red where I’ve been led astray by envy or anger. My lust puts a golden dust on the dawn. It’s all I see when I’m in love, like being trapped in a lovely crystal ball with gold dust all around. It ends with releasing blood ties at season’s end; the red turns shades of yellow and orange, where I struggle with my faith in mankind. I’m ready to begin again. My color is aqua. I become a shade of royal plum. Like the Aegean Sea I float in the arms of eternity searching for the right you to understand me.

After the gold dust settles pastels show me like a misty savior heading towards threatening seas to rescue them from the dark. Colors shift from dawn to dusk inside of me as I rearrange my life accordingly with a party cake pink; a perpetual continuity lives inside of me as I struggle with the colors. They consume me. I realize I’m not the only one who can’t escape so I pray for us all instead.

I recycle the stories in my head and see they are all the same. The names change but the stories remain the same. After some time telling stories, the men run into each other knocking each other down because they don’t watch where they’re running. After a few stories I realize it doesn’t matter who did what. It’s like any one of them could have been in any of my stories doing the same things the other one did. The faces and names become interchangeable. They blur together and become one. For God’s sake it’s the same old stories with new and different faces.