True Love Longings

I’m beginning to think

It doesn’t exist

It’s do or be done to

Eat or be eaten

Do to survive

Or die inside trying

Be conqueror or conquered

I don’t want to play these roles

I want to drive my own

I want to survive, live and thrive

Help and be helped

Love and be loved

Feel intimacy tingle

From toes to fingertips

Be alive with desire

Feel it flow to and fro

It can’t be perfect I know

Still want it nonetheless

I want someone to love
Someone to love me

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

She wished she knew

But she hasn’t got a clue

What she did

When all is said and done

She didn’t even have fun

She’d fooled herself

Believed sex made them closer

He complained continuously

They’d had sex too soon

Like there was a rulebook to follow

On time limits before sex

Plenty of time had passed

In her eyes

Three times a week for four weeks

Six hours each time

Hold hands; tell stories at French Roast,

Walk empty city streets at 3 a.m.

Sometimes, she’d drive him home

He’d hug her tightly, 

Chastely kiss her forehead

Press his groin to hers

Truly she had no clue as to what set him off

Clearly sex made him vulnerable

Afterwards he pushed her away

Picked arguments, and

Communication went astray

He proceeded to insult, belittle and ridicule her

Like her ex-husband used to do

She wrote him a note, “I wish you well,”

He wrote back he wished her the same

“Fundamentally,” he explained,

“I wanted us to get along.

We’re both highly sensitive creatures

And without meaning to

We push each other’s buttons.”

She decided

He was hazardous to her health

Sex for him creates distance, not intimacy

She’d label him

Toxic after sex

If she knew before
What she knows now

True Color Makes My Heart Sneeze

I try to think of what color 

I might be yet all I can see

Is I'm the color of me

I'm true blue as I can be

I'm still only me

Far as I can see

I'll always be me

When I'm with you

I turn to we 

No matter what I do

I become split in two 

When I join with you

I stay true to you

I stay true blue

Yet I am only me 

I remain the same hue

Alone I am me

Together I become we

The me I want to be

Remains to be seen 

I cannot be you

I don't have a clue

As to where the me

That I am goes when I'm with you

Strangely enough, neither do you

So you be you and I'll be me

And later we'll meet for coffee or tea

We'll look out at the clear blue sea

Stare in your eyes to reflect me

Because I am you and you are me

Is it worth it? You decide.

My love for you is deeper than the deepest sea

Softer than the softest breeze

Higher than the tallest tree

Don’t ask me why this prize was yours

Not mine to decide

Not what’s said but dread of unsaid

Written words make me become undone

Much more than spoken do

You don’t need this shit called love any more than I do

Move to the beat, broken souls reject

Healing, sift through broken bones

As though the answer lies in our wishes

We become lies we live

Buried in solitude, create a fortress

Make us prisoners

Of our own demise

Hearts like silver need polish

Troubled and cautious, need to demolish

Striving to forget unpunished deeds

Our souls create a fort for faith

Hide away, survive wounds, lost battles, day after day

Feel like I’m a rash or allergy, out of control

Think before you speak or

Forever hold your peace

Like shame from tarnished childhood

Secluded from the sun

There’s nothing won in fighting

Tell me give up

I’ll stop hoping

My love for you is stronger than a hurricane

More powerful than an angry storm at sea

Baby don’t make me try to explain

Feelings I have for you

My heart stuck on you like glue
Love like morning dew

HEART’S CALL POSTPONED

At sunset you enter my mind

At day’s first light there you are

In my mind’s eye

Want to embed your heart in mine

A looking glass of time

Dawn arrives, you are

Like a sparkling star

You light up my life

Like my personal sun

My world rotates around you

Believe I’ve become undone

Awake, seek email and text responses,

Sexual healing renaissance betrayed

Touch myself, pretend your hands touch what I feel

Visualize every inch of your length and girth

Wonder how to make it go inside

Forced to abandon my private taboos

Fantasize, see us nude, side by side

You confide secrets made at high tide

Part of me died, left by the wayside

Fries my brain to maintain your image

Try to avoid each typical scrimmage

Deny your heart wants so long – like a lost song

Searching its key, unable to see eclipse of your star

Baked in my heart’s oven

Bewitched bothered and bewildered

Live in light your pores exude

For the blue coin of our future

Prepared to suture and heal wounds of our past

License to carry art

Wield like dangerous sharp weapon

Misconstruction, solstice ellipse, heavenly scripts

Wonder why I await you in vain

Conception of immaculate virgin reign

Wonder if this is a new lesson
Life infused by total eclipse of my soul

Seasons Of Love

Eyes lock, hands touch, one

touch worth more than thousand words

heat courses through my veins

The Only One

 I thought about you and watched videos of us inside of me. I sat and cried for what I thought we’d had but slowly over the next year I realized our life was recreated from a fantasy of what I desired from you. In my mind the dream I’d created of who you are became real. Slowly over time you proved to me again and again that the dream was a fantasy. Being subjected to your unrelenting anger and sarcasm was nothing new. What became new was now I saw the things you did for what they are. You proved that I never possessed the dream I desired. You proved that I only see things the way I want to see them. I went back in time in my mind rearranging the pieces of our lives. I had never wanted to see you for who you are so I created the man I hoped to find. Picking through the events in time now I see I saw you, as I wanted you to be.  You were always the way I see you now but I refused to see who you were when we were together. To survive I lived a fantasy.

Living in dreams enriches my life but there is the comedown when I realize it’s only a dream, a rich fantasy about how I want things to be but not the way they really are. Everyone I see is colored through whatever lens I am wearing that day. I live in bright-distorted colors of varying shades and intensities.  Blue is rarely true blue and it is in my nature to stay true to myself. I am fickle. I change colors.

My sad is midnight blue yet I keep trying to see stars peeking through. Green seeps through me helping me keep in touch with nature yet I’m streaked with red where I’ve been led astray by envy or anger. My lust puts a golden dust on the dawn. It’s all I see when I’m in love, like being trapped in a lovely crystal ball with gold dust all around. It ends with releasing blood ties at season’s end; the red turns shades of yellow and orange, where I struggle with my faith in mankind. I’m ready to begin again. My color is aqua. I become a shade of royal plum. Like the Aegean Sea I float in the arms of eternity searching for the right you to understand me.

After the gold dust settles pastels show me like a misty savior heading towards threatening seas to rescue them from the dark. Colors shift from dawn to dusk inside of me as I rearrange my life accordingly with a party cake pink; a perpetual continuity lives inside of me as I struggle with the colors. They consume me. I realize I’m not the only one who can’t escape so I pray for us all instead.

I recycle the stories in my head and see they are all the same. The names change but the stories remain the same. After some time telling stories, the men run into each other knocking each other down because they don’t watch where they’re running. After a few stories I realize it doesn’t matter who did what. It’s like any one of them could have been in any of my stories doing the same things the other one did. The faces and names become interchangeable. They blur together and become one. For God’s sake it’s the same old stories with new and different faces.