Big Mess

 The Mess of My Life

 

Is it my life’s purpose to participate in the unmitigatedness 

of this entire mess, less of life than I desired 

The older I get, the more stuff gets crammed inside my head

Nothing I can do, live with the dread

process the grief, the stress depresses me to see 

underhandedness of people who surround me

in for a penny – in for a pound

lose my mind, in an abyss of fear

lose ground all around

like a throwaway thingamajig 

each day past means one day less than the rest

each day less of me remains

new campaigns seek re-election every day

seek relief and see none

Life a very, very, long dry run

 

Used for sex, thrown away afterward

Relationships sought and denied

In lieu of instinctual, reciprocal sexual favors

Craved for more complex relationships too

a joke on two, who do you say did the dirty deed of wanting all of me 

more than my dream come true, different nightmares

invade my space, my hullabaloo, my valuable time 

I wonder if this mess, this less sunshine every day

 

See what’s left of the unmitigated mess

Done with tests although always tried for more

Did the best I could. It was never enough to see me through 

to better days desired

Make my way through the door, seek that more and 

realize time is brief

Here’s the rub -heroes of our own lives, we grind our way 

a life confined 

prisoners assigned to our demise

Blind and spellbound, stumble through days 

A throwaway and stowaway in my own life

 

I gotta make it through – to the rainbow ridge

Wish I could streamline, unwind the process of this mess

Take a different test, rewind the tape 

Do anew the test of fate thrown in my face

Blind and spellbound, stumble through days 

Too sick for the nightlife, don’t miss it

Always someone’s wife, always avoid lowlife, 

live with stress of the mess

A throwaway, a stowaway in my own life

Peace to the Planet

 PEACE TO ALL SENTIENT BEINGS

 

Summer’s here but living’s not easy

Humidity abates here and there,

The air’s pretty hazy

Times Square is still pretty sleazy

Closed public seating there

Get all our food – from who knows where

When I think about it, get scared

Easy times are rare

Life’s very unfair

Especially for animals on factory farms

Want us to think our meat is here by charm

Nothing’s very clear

If we were to witness animal’s suffering,

Their atmosphere, no space, no air,

Living in their excrement

How many of us could bear

The suffering, does anyone care?

I sit here in my chair waiting

For the rain to come to clean

Dirty city air

While wild horses are corralled

by helicopters in the air

Taken to slaughterhouses in Mexico

Denied food or water, hundreds of thousands

By our inhumane society and made into dog food

Marilyn Monroe, a humanist through and through

Exposed this in her last film, the Misfits, in 1961

Look it up online at American Wild Horse Preservation

Trying to deal with so much cruelty

Horrors, animals’ torment

The world’s not what it’s meant to be

Take a deep breath,

Ask who cares?

How do us humans dare?

Off Key Dreams

Specificity is not the answer

Hard to stay focused, too many things to focus on 

my mind swept up in strong currents 

Some things matter more than money monarchies 

 

Make my dreams reality

Love integrity lost in melodies of pageantry,

Empathy dissolved in a legacy of zealotry

There’s a fatality of sanctity 

 

Set the sky on fire, bring souls out of mire, 

Heart is a siren, beats with desire 

Tired of infighting, stir the fire of love 

Israel’s religious history is here for all mankind 

should search to find their way out of a bind  

 

Stay on the peace grind at the center of mindfulness, 

All religion winds down to similar precepts 

my life seems an open book 

I say it’s written in an ancient language translated by my soul 

 

Stop thinking it’s so simple to define me 

A midnight blue sky filled with silver stars amidst fuchsia blossoms 

 

Leaves fall from dogwood trees 

A white turtle dove flew into my hand, came from above, 

hovered a second or two 

Do you think I’m in love again?

Trees (written in 1980, while studying at Columbia U)

I am a tree receiving light

Or perhaps just an image of delight

I follow through on life's extensions

resulting in awareness of different dimensions

 

Where are the remnants of my rational power?

Perhaps I lost them as I ascended the tower

There I became imprisoned by tension

while I pondered, was logic my pension?

 

Now, I may feel alive and free 

Or sometimes as rooted as a tree

three hundred years old in all its splendor,

While I look at my heart and search for its mender

 

Do I truly love desire or care?

Is it only that I feel my cupboard base is bare?

When I dwell on spiritual elements compounded;

I remember that God has created men well-rounded.

 

Then reason declares desires and fears well-founded:

And I know everything is previously included and far ahead accounted.

Life's round of births and deaths, and beginnings do deceive some,

But the question remains, despite all, ... Is there an end to receive one?

Is The World Going Crazy

 IS THE WORLD GOING CRAZY OR IS IT ME

 

Stop asking so many questions or

I could begin to think you’re a cop

I can’t think up the answers that fast

Are you the prosecution or what

Stop looking into my eyes so deep

Like if you look real hard you’ll see what you wanna see 

Like you can see through me

Crinkling like cellophane my body withers before you

You want answers to your questions or what

What are you trying to see

Is it the I in you

Or the I in I

Please see I’m only trying to bring the situation to fruition

It just takes a little more preparation

Forever searching for direction

It’s making a huge impression on me

How many decisions do I have to make

No, I’m a grown woman I don’t need permission

I don’t care about your trepidation

I’m searching for liberation

Haven’t found it anywhere

It’s not as clear as it used to be

I thought I was so aware

It isn’t always fair either

Too many discussions

Deliberations on the same old themes

Wars & losses, poverty, and gasoline prices

Dresses & designers, writers & artists

Vacations & lives, returning home again

Our time and space is limited,

We’re here on this earth to enjoy life do

What we can, our minds so full of clutter

the glimmer the shimmer outside

draws into the glow

mostly it’s all show

sometimes we can’t see what’s right in front of us

I couldn’t see that book that’s clearly right

there on the bookshelf where you left it before

after we looked and looked;

neither of us could see that book right there on the shelf

right there on the shelf

looked once then twice we saw nothing

Looking through the glass pane window

Should I should go in or wait out here

Alone in the rain of my life

The drops glistening on my skin

Should I join the crowd inside

Watching diamonds in the rough

Watching is never enough

give me a moment or two

I’ma go rearrange the universe

Reinvent The Universe

Need alone downtime 

To survive threatening circumstances

Need to listen to the hurt, hear the cries

Regrets I try to forget, leave behind

I turn a blind eye to the answer

Vow to leave doubt out of the question to my answer

Lies survive, my lips deny my heart

Fear a mishap on the horizon

An angel forsaking our great nation on the verge of denial

Does Gehinnom exist? - Jew’s purgatory

Refuse to accommodate doubts about heaven or hell: 

Gehinnom

Intensification exists no doubt

Fingertips feel my heart beat with passion 

Sensation alive in my drive

Pain sears through my womb 

Pain rips my soul from a concentration camp

Revive a better nation based on the assumption

That they do what they want to and we do what we’re told

Secrets we hold near, they hurt but they stay there 

I deny what we live through

Live outside my head in the grip of a constant illusion 

Hear conversations that never occur

Survive the delusion I live inside my head

Rich imaginings of what was said 

What never was nor will be

Die and I never said what I meant to say to you and now I never will

The pain never stops 

I keep moving my feet to a beat only I hear, 

I try to help someone hear, 

Please hear, but no one hears but my fear

Standing alone in a grim bleak reality, coming and going alone

Solutions flash by and are slashed off by reality as 

I follow the path of Dorothy unafraid of what precedes me, lies in wait 

In a roughened bush burning by the side of an elegant brook 

In a forest of deceit, I wander hearing innocent animals slaughtered 

Cries calling out in my head instead 

Reality frozen in a time frame 

Waiting for a way out of the underflow 

I call to every passerby I see

Please, I beg, a hand please, I beg, don’t hurt me 

I’m only a first-time offender 

I didn’t mean to raise my hand, 

Absolution for the abortion, 

Please stop the pollution, 

I hear the cries of an ancient race of animals now all dead, 

There’s no more of them to kill, only a lab created animal exists 

Please Father, a benediction before I go and leave this universe

Can you give me a calculation of where you think I’ll be?

Father I have sinned, 10 hail Marys and go your way and sin no more 

I promise, Father I have sinned

Afraid there’s another life waiting somewhere to find me 

Explore, seeking to find my way out of mischief into a glance of an inner richer universe

No exsanguination please

Try not to cry and the tears build in my eyes betray me

Water builds but doesn’t flow, yet you see me

I explode into another me - who is she? 

I don’t know 

I didn’t make her 

She is I bubbling beneath the blood 

Warm, ready to burst forth in flames fires 

Burst forth from my mouth like a dragon breathing fire I

Explode into a new me

Once more, a reinvention of whom I want to be

PRAY THE WORLD LET LOVE WIN ~ LET'S LOVE IN

Only way to overcome hate

Desire to pray overtakes me

Rub melted pure organic coconut oil

On my skin

Desire to pray overtakes me

All type prayers invade me at once, 

can’t figure what’s wrong with me

Praying in tongues 

Words escape me, call on Jesus 

Call on God

Pray there’s really one,

To answer the call

Bring peace and love to all

 

Pray to Jesus, please help me heal me from this pain

This misery that becomes me

My brother, my brethren, his blood is where I came from

Tribes nearby where he was born, is where my blood is from

I pray, 

Recall how you told me, pray to Mother and Father Coconut to heal you 

while you massage coconut oil into your skin and they will hear you, they will heal you

So, I do this too

Please hear my prayers and heal me

Pray to all who may hear me

Speak no Hebrew except in tongues unknown that overtake me

Can’t escape being a Jew 

 

Stop the thunder, hurt and pain

Pain like a runaway train

Hurts to watch humanity

Be so cold unto itself 

Like a runaway train

Pain inside me grows to implode, explode

Pain inside and out ~ sit & watch

 

Something’s got a hold o’ me, I know it must be love

A treasure trove, need to relieve the pain of humanity

Love is life send it to your home from mine

Spread the word, 

Escape the thunder

So scared the thunder will win

Pray, say, hear the lord’s words

Feel love – so scared love does lose  

Young people must show the way

The world, unleased, has lost its way

This runaway train can only be stopped by love

The hurt and the pain can only be stopped by love

Stand in the way, hey Father, hey

let love stop world’s craziness 

let humanity be what it should be, 

what it could be if only love is all we need

 

 

ONE WRONG STEP AFTER ANOTHER

 

My body follows my life like one big misstep

misstep physically and fall on my hip

Literally act out my psychological ailments

Overstretch my foot so much, it hurts I can’t walk

I lie on my ass, sit around and talk

On the phone – balk 

at all the empty phone talk

makes me feel dead instead of alive

Words are my bedrock, my life

Numerous iPhone chats, 

Facetimes, 

leaves me unsatisfied

No human caress causes distress, 

loss of eye contact, response is less

No touch, 

No hugs, nor kisses, just guesses of what we’re doing here

Most of what we humans discuss 

Encompass the squareness of our universe

Inspire, aspire to learn a new word today

To describe what I’d rather do

The new word is eumoirous, 

Someone who is lucky and happy as a result of being good

Unfortunately goodness doesn’t assure luckiness though I wish it did,

can’t do anything without you

Talking is so boring when you can find something to do

We wouldn’t miss nary a thing if we didn’t spend so much time

Chatting about useless things

When we spend our energy talking – we prevent our doing –

Get stuck, life is a trap of especially 

Unimportant time spent on inconsequential things

TV, radio, 

Talk is cheap 

Phone talk is contrived, minimizes

Items in our daily life

Has nothing to do with anything 

If anything, assists with our living less 

Not more, I confess, my life’s a big mess

Prefer to focus on doing more not less

Observe, obsess, process and reassess

 

Spending Blues

 I GOT THE SPENDING BLUES DISEASE

 

PLEASE, please, I need to be at ease

I got the buy, buy, buy, disease

Like to put it on a freeze

Turn around like a sneeze 

Got a hold on me like trustees

Need to find another release

I know it’s not that old song, 

somethings got a hold of me, 

I know it must be love 

It’s this buy, buy, buy, disease

My self-control destroyed, spoiled by my unease,

Commands originated in my mind’s badlands, 

quell the urge please

 

I got the spending blues

So easy to do

Swipe out a card 

Got the distribution blues

Buy things I don’t need

Then got to give them away

Swimming in shit, like all greed

Buy shit I don’t need

What’s it all for?

 

Easy to give away everything I buy

Need money to eat and pay the rent

Not much more I need to buy

 

2020 Presidential Election Year

 2020 Presidential Election Year

 

This coronavirus is making me insane

Feel like I’m on another plane

Nothing left to gain and a lot to lose

Living like this the bane of my existence

Trump running a chain gang on our nation

Tough guy bully guy macho man image

Not charging social security taxes

Means social security at 65 out the door

Maybe they’ll see what they can’t see now

Chaos 

It’s plain to see, lying in wait in society

Need the key to unlock the gates

We’re heading from heaven to hell

It’s no game, president man forgot about democracy

Love and hate, not fate 

Trap people play reality TV

Play acting a banshee

Hey Joe

I aint got no birth serf-i-ticket on me now

United States of fucking America, is 

A new Trump Hitler Regime

Keeping my dream alive

Get rid of that National Security Act and our 

Patriot Act 

Give our nation a new theme

The vote is actual and factual but Trump can’t see

Where we can learn and be aware of the facts

Our government ransacked for the wealthy

While the poor remain unhealthy

Corporations stealthy 

Hey Joe

Make a motion to not be so emotional 

Scared to have premonitions

Want Joe to win

It’s a sin the way they abuse him

Can’t see Trump’s a has been who belongs in the loony bin

Keep myself busy listening to Beethoven’s violin symphony 

Hope the lynch pin doesn’t win

This aint mother fucking Berlin with a fucking wall

And don’t tell me Obama built the gate

He didn’t take children from their families

Losing our sanity on a fallacy

I aint got no birth serf-i-ticket on me now

Please God, don’t allow

Need to survive this somehow   

STRIVE TO STAY ALIVE

STRIVE TO STAY ALIVE

I want to cry for my lost dreams. 

That house made of stone and glass 

with all wood inside the fame 

and fortune I never gained, 

the way my heart has been maimed 

my life tamed and bought at the corner store. 

Dreams estranged 

caught up in the buzz of busy bees

 living day to day in a maze 

on a pension fund 

Money I earned not charity 

driving safe in the slow zone. 

No airs or golden chalices, 

standardized morphing of reality 

Leave me to blaze on a hot day 

Sweat with no underwear. 

I fear for the living dead. 

Live life in my head 

less than half my dreams 

never come to fruition

because I’m not Annie Malone, 

neither is he 

change your tone please, 

Don't use your phone 

while we're having this conversation. 

I want to be a milliner

Tired of infighting, 

heart a siren, beats with desire 

Set the sky on fire, bring souls out of mire, 

stir the fires of love

Ignore the jive of each haze, 

the latest craze

Always some new malaise 

Live like lost

In a moon phase

Do my best to stay alive and thrive

REINCARNATION TO A NEW LIFE

You need to wake up, live in a daze

a haze of days

Morning noon and night

It ain’t right but there’s no way to stop you

Like talking the living to the dead

Entire life living in the red,

sleep and rest in the bed

it’s my bad nothing eases the pain

pills night and day - no way to stop you

The mental and physical anguish remains the same as you push life to exsanguinate

your blood thins day by day, tire so easy it’s all breezy and good,

you examine your mind, it’s more than a faze

but it’s all good

You explain the drugs are legally prescribed by many different doctors who listen to your complaints

They prescribe pills to alleviate the gaze of hazy pain you live in

Describe pain where it maintains a domicile in your head –

it possesses you, obsesses you search for a nonexistent cure

Can’t accept the prognosis, 18 drugs a day all prescribed to the beat of your heart.

Slows the glow / the glue holding you together disappears in my heart.

Another pill won’t cure your ills. Determine the excess of the access or access to excuse

Excuse me, I meant excess the distress, there’s no elixir to create a victor,

It’s all downhill by doctor’s goodwill

I profess I’m consumed and confused;

is it the syndrome about which comes first - the chicken or the egg?

A stitch in time ain’t worth a dime, do you have the time

On the road to enlightenment, forget sentiments the buck stops here.

Watch on the sidelines while u struggle for a quick exit

Living life like you’re fit to be tied, live life on an incline

Live the fast lane

You’ll regret it, lose out in the end living inside your mind won’t suffice or change the end. Tell myself and tell you.

My words fade in the southwestern wind turning southerly

while we dismiss lists

Stuck in an abyss, lost in time, fade in the dreamer

Stare at your demeanor, lost and found, I stand my ground while Jill comes tumbling after and Jack can’t find his crown

Search through the valley of death

Surmise the crease in your pants

Cry another dance, dry tears in my eyes.

My vision blurred by raindrops falling. 

Remember to see the sea widens

fear to die in the midst of a dream becomes real

You will heal from the power of words I implore