Sunday, December 04, 2016

Can't help myself I guess, edited poem


Cleo, stunning and engaging
Ravaged by cancer in 6 weeks
Fast growing tumor behind nasal passages
Pressing into her ear nose, later her eyes
Cleo's will was strong but cancer’s more powerful
Possessive to a fault
She owned me, not me, her
Cleo was mistress of my home
Very frustrating when she would not permit other females
besides her mother in our domicile
What will we do without her?
Beautiful till the end
Golden silky hair became unkempt
Weight falling from her frail body like autumn leaves
Left with no choice
Hope gone, my heart bereft
Want to hold on to her purrs and love
Her head pushing against my body
Her rough tongue licking my hand, as I'd pet her
Unable to purr and eat, the tumor grew fast blocking the way
Vets claimed 50 - 50 chance, said they could remove, after one already tried,
Not sure if they wanted to help save her or wanted the young interns to learn
Lessons learned too late
Can't hold back fate
Never listen to vets when your gut dictates a different route
Give a few more peaceful days, not surgery trauma
Hours of anesthesia wrecked an already starving soul striving to survive
I regret not continuing using subcutaneous water
Combined with finger feeding baby food
Instead doctors installed a feeding tube
Made her gag even worse than before
Doctors almost convinced me her tiny
shrinking body could handle radiation fine
Sure glad I didn't listen, only wish I hadn’t
let them put her small shrinking body through surgical trauma
Can’t forgive myself, made her suffering worse
Let interns learn and experiment, when
In the end, everything they did at AMC made it worse,
Kinda like our government
Letting go of Cleo was the hardest thing I've ever done.
There will never be another Cleo
Knowing Cleo’s out of misery is no consolation
Miss her love, her energy, her beauty, her excitation
Flame point Siamese with deep blue eyes; visualize her exotic look,
Feel her strange personality
Cat fanciers classify Flame point Siamese as “Exotic”
Even though Cleo clearly is pure Siamese, through and through

Brushing Cleo’s fur made her purr loudly
Helped reduce cat hair in environment
Lay awake, want to feel her body press against mine
Want to stare into her eyes, Cleo lying on her back staring back
Stretching her small slim body, her limbs against mine
Urging me to stroke her and moving to let me know where
Purrs so loud I wondered how she did it
Gone forever, she lives on in my heart,
Try to cope with loss, and remember
Visualize Cleo
with her mother, Starr, and bossy Sphinx Davie
Starr screaming for Cleo
Inseparable in life
All of us bereft, confused
Miss her warmth
Cleo, gone.
Life cut short, 9 years’ soul
Mercy, mercy, please...

Cleo would have been 9 years old December 27th. I was forced to put her down as the tumor pressed on the back of her throat and no food or water could pass. It was growing fast and had already grown into her ear and infected it. Then it spread behind her left eye. 

First The Humane Society had seen her and thought it was an ear infection. Then when I brought her back they thought it was a cold. When I reported that the back of her throat was completely closed, they sedated her and tried to reach the tumor thinking it was a polyp and they reported it was too deep and they could not reach it. 
I should have listened to my gut when my urge was to take her home and let her rest giving her fluids subcutaneously, and baby food and nutriment on my finger. Instead on the advice of doctors who suggested she see specialists at the Animal Medical Center, I took her there for a consult. They said they thought they could get the polyp and that there was a good chance it was not cancer and that they would insert a feeding tube. I thought the feeding tube would be in the stomach but it was placed in her throat which only aggravated her gagging reflex. After a couple of hours of anesthesia and experimental work, they saw they could do nothing and from only looking doctors were able to report it was a very fast growing cancer. When she came home she was much worse for all the trauma. I would have had to put down anyway but she would have had a few days in peace with her mother, pictured below next to her. 

The tumor grew very fast and was invading every organ in every part of her head. 

God Bless Cleo! May she rest in peace and may the next birth be blessed.