LIKE AN ISLAND

         

       LIKE AN ISLAND 

 

I’m quarantined 

Learning to love my aloneness 

Not concerning ceremonious womanliness, 

Maintain a harmonious

Fighting to survive intolerance, tight feistiness of ruin, 

from wealthy brothers and sisters. 

The poor give more than wealthy do

usually more generous of spirit 

poor pay higher taxes

Trumped by a white house orange debacle 

Citizens dying from streptococcal

symptoms - live in mass pandemonium 

people blind like they’re on opium

sanctimonious created fraudulent-ness

intolerantness speaks loudly, devoutly, profoundly evil

worldly unrest and upheaval 

quarantine inside my abode 

carry a heavy load

my body bowed

inability to unload

keep a heavy workload

dreading the next episode

of color code, religious code, computer codes

hate showed – 

snowed in about to implode

lifestyles eroding with each new foreboding 

will we ever overcome

see what we can become

if to love and tolerance we succumb

Solve Problem:  make humanity less dumb

Embrace love and tolerance 

Together, overcome 

Stop being overrun

beat my drum till that day comes

pray to raise awareness that love is everywhere

Love is everywhere

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is it worth it? You decide

My love for you is deeper than the deepest sea

Softer than the softest breeze

Higher than the tallest tree

Don’t ask me why this prize was yours

Not mine to decide

Not what’s said but dread of unsaid

Written words make me become undone

Much more than spoken do

You don’t need this shit called love any more than I do

Move to the beat, broken souls reject

Healing, sift through broken bones

As though the answer lies in our wishes

We become lies we live

Buried in solitude, create a fortress

Make us prisoners

Of our own demise

Hearts like silver need polish

Troubled and cautious, need to demolish

Striving to forget unpunished deeds

Our souls create a fort for faith

Hide away, survive wounds, lost battles, day after day

Feel like I’m a rash or allergy, out of control

Think before you speak or

Forever hold your peace

Like shame from tarnished childhood

Secluded from the sun

There’s nothing won in fighting

Tell me give up

I’ll stop hoping

My love for you, stronger than a hurricane

More powerful than an angry storm at sea

Baby don’t make me explain

Feelings I have for you

My heart stuck on you like glue

Love like morning dew

Dream Lover

I dreamed this scenario several weeks ago.

I am with Missy, my young grad school buddy.  She’s with a new boyfriend, someone I never met before. I recognize this as being strange in my dream, knowing she's now married with children. Bob, my boyfriend, Missy, and my son, Joey are all there together. Bob is with us yet seconds later, he is rapping to some chick 15 feet away. I walk towards them, but when I get there, Bob’s disappeared into thin air. 

“Where's Bob?"  I ask.

Joey says, “In the store, buying beer.”

         Missy and I are walking downtown on Broadway together. We’re on our way to visit my Dad who lives down on 162^nd street and Riverside Drive. It’s a long walk from Sickle Street (Close to Dykeman Street) in Washington Heights.

This is before Washington Heights became Hudson Heights, before gentrification. For me it will always be The Heights.

Missy and I are strolling slowly, talking, taking our time.  We run into Alan Abel, the big 'Get Even' Scam Man Prankster, Bob had once introduced me to.

I say, “Hey Alan, how are you?”

Alan says, “Hey, how’re ya’? You’re the woman involved with Bob, that young English fellow I met you with in Oxford?” Alan is speaking while pulling out all these stylish clothes from somewhere. I can’t figure out where they’re coming from. Missy says excitedly, “Lets share everything here.”

“Excellent,” I agree, forgetting my concern about where the stuff is coming from.

I pull out a tight colorful skirt. I feel Missy’s eyes on it. I say, “Oh Missy, that wouldn't fit you, you're too big.” I realize I spoke without thinking. Missy is not big anymore plus I'm worried I hurt her feelings. I quickly say, “Oh you're not big anymore.”

Too late, the words are spoken.

         Missy, Alan and I wind up in my apartment in my home office. Alan is using my fax to make copies. I remember Bob putting cellophane wrappers on the roller that holds the fax paper. Later he refills with paper. I can't remember why Bob was using cellophane but suddenly realize Bob’s trying to trap me into doing something sexual with Alan. He is using cellophane to create a tracking record on fax.

Alan continues to make copies using the fax machine.

Alan says, “I really appreciate you letting me use your machine this way.”

Suddenly I smell something funny burning inside the fax and the copy button pops up and out of the machine.

I say, “Oh shit, Bob warned me about how careful I have to be with this fax.  He gave me this long list of do's and don'ts. Repeated over and over, ‘don't use white out, no scotch tape either, don’t touch buttons,’ and truth is I’m guilty and he’ll say I broke his fax.”

         Alan focuses on me. Alan says, “How much do you care about this Bob guy?”   

“I'm crazy about him and can’t understand why he makes me unhappy. I wonder if any man can give me what I want or need.”

         Missy cuts in, “Do you both feel the same about faithfulness?”

 Alan tells Missy, 'No, the real problem is she has not found anyone to meet her needs or make her happy.”        

Alan turns to include me, “But, why aren't you faithful?” 

“You mean unfaithful because I'm hanging out with you here?' 

Right beside me standing there abruptly is some guy who wasn't there a second before. Someone I’ve never seen before.

I defend myself, “Oh, we don't have sex. And although I've been unfaithful, I'd much rather be faithful, but somehow, when I get unhappy I also get unfaithful."  I pause and take a breath. 

         "Is that it?" Alan said. He smiles slightly, adds in his strong pretend English accent, "Well, that's all right then, some people are unfaithful just for the hell of it."

         "No," Missy says, "There's more to it than that.”

Alan has his mind made up. He starts making lists of the pros and cons about my relationship with Bob. Instead of reading the lists, I watch him feeding the lists through the fax to make copies. I see he's taped relevant and matching stuff together to better organize themes. I get worried about the fax again.  

“Alan” I say, “you will break the fax putting paper through with tape.”

         Scene switches again. Alan and I are sitting together on big rocks at an outdoor garden. We are completely alone and isolated. Alan moves closer behind me. The waterfall in front of us is breathtaking like Niagara, granite rocks glinting from the sun, slippery, and filled with lush wild flowers. The view mesmerizes me. Beautiful, and wild, yet tended to. I want to climb down but it's about a five-foot drop. I worry if I can’t get down I won't be able to climb back up without help. I stand there enjoying a familiar rapture, Alan’s powerful energy combined with the moment’s tranquility. I am enraptured yet captive.

         I feel Alan’s body pressing against mine from behind me. His growing erection presses against my butt. “I want you to be mine,” he says. Even though I’m crazy beyond what you’ve ever known before, I believe we can make it.” He leans in, bends his head toward mine for that first heady kiss.

         Dizziness overcomes me, hunger claws at me. My stomach lurches with fear of getting involved and let down again, and still I raise my lips to greet his.

         Eyes wide open, gazing deep inside my eyes, I feel hurt and hunger so deep, and my womb throbs with desire while his erection pulses against me.

L’Chaim! Toasting 2017 ...

My words like music, fill your ears

My lips, soft like rose petals touch your lips

Words fill you with sounds I don’t hear

Rhymes I spout fill your heart

Lonely, long for love, here, now

Too smart for my own good

If you only stood where I stand,

Maybe you’d understand

Where I’m coming from

Childhood to adulthood in barely an hour

Live till we’re dead under power

Of the IRS, government shadows & showers

Wonder if or when or can it be better

Our minds, thoughts controlled, fettered

Would a chain letter do, a scarlet letter

BE a trend setter or pacesetter

Move forward, be straightforward

Hold words close to our heart

As though words are people;

They’re not

Store words in our hearts

Know we can’t go back to yesterday

Must live with what we hear today

What we say & hear on sad days

Thoughts are transient

Words last longer

Can’t erase words you’ve spoken

Words escape your palate, are token

Leave me brokenhearted

Pretend to study a pie chart

Love is strange,

Life, a curse, a game played on my shame

Kick start my life into another movie frame

Soothe and feed flames

Love claims my blame

My name, my fame,

Life’s games, reclaim my stage & nick name

Disclaim strife – go on with life

Can't help myself I guess, edited poem

GOLDEN GIRL

Cleo, stunning and engaging

Ravaged by cancer in 6 weeks

Fast growing tumor behind nasal passages

Pressing into her ear nose, later her eyes

Cleo's will was strong but cancer’s more powerful

Possessive to a fault

She owned me, not me, her

Cleo was mistress of my home

Very frustrating when she would not permit other females

besides her mother in our domicile

What will we do without her?

Beautiful till the end

Golden silky hair became unkempt

Weight falling from her frail body like autumn leaves

Left with no choice

Hope gone, my heart bereft

Want to hold on to her purrs and love

Her head pushing against my body

Her rough tongue licking my hand, as I'd pet her

Unable to purr and eat, the tumor grew fast blocking the way

Vets claimed 50 - 50 chance, said they could remove, after one already tried,

Not sure if they wanted to help save her or wanted the young interns to learn

Lessons learned too late

Can't hold back fate

Never listen to vets when your gut dictates a different route

Give a few more peaceful days, not surgery trauma

Hours of anesthesia wrecked an already starving soul striving to survive

I regret not continuing using subcutaneous water

Combined with finger feeding baby food

Instead doctors installed a feeding tube

Made her gag even worse than before

 

Doctors almost convinced me her tiny

shrinking body could handle radiation fine

Sure glad I didn't listen, only wish I hadn’t

let them put her small shrinking body through surgical trauma

Can’t forgive myself, made her suffering worse

Let interns learn and experiment, when

In the end, everything they did at AMC made it worse,

Kinda like our government

Letting go of Cleo was the hardest thing I've ever done.

There will never be another Cleo

Knowing Cleo’s out of misery is no consolation

Miss her love, her energy, her beauty, her excitation

Flame point Siamese with deep blue eyes; visualize her exotic look,

Feel her strange personality

Cat fanciers classify Flame point Siamese as “Exotic”

Even though Cleo clearly is pure Siamese, through and through

Brushing Cleo’s fur made her purr loudly

Helped reduce cat hair in environment

Lay awake, want to feel her body press against mine

Want to stare into her eyes, Cleo lying on her back staring back

Stretching her small slim body, her limbs against mine

Urging me to stroke her and moving to let me know where

Purrs so loud I wondered how she did it

Gone forever, she lives on in my heart,

Try to cope with loss, and remember

Visualize Cleo

with her mother, Starr, and bossy Sphinx Davie

Starr screaming for Cleo

Inseparable in life

All of us bereft, confused

Miss her warmth

Cleo, gone.

Life cut short, 9 years’ soul

Mercy, mercy, please...

Cleo would have been 9 years old December 27th. I was forced to put her down as the tumor pressed on the back of her throat and no food or water could pass. It was growing fast and had already grown into her ear and infected it. Then it spread behind her left eye. 

First The Humane Society had seen her and thought it was an ear infection. Then when I brought her back they thought it was a cold. When I reported that the back of her throat was completely closed, they sedated her and tried to reach the tumor thinking it was a polyp and they reported it was too deep and they could not reach it. 

I should have listened to my gut when my urge was to take her home and let her rest giving her fluids subcutaneously, and baby food and nutriment on my finger. Instead on the advice of doctors who suggested she see specialists at the Animal Medical Center, I took her there for a consult. They said they thought they could get the polyp and that there was a good chance it was not cancer and that they would insert a feeding tube. I thought the feeding tube would be in the stomach but it was placed in her throat which only aggravated her gagging reflex. After a couple of hours of anesthesia and experimental work, they saw they could do nothing and from only looking doctors were able to report it was a very fast growing cancer. When she came home she was much worse for all the trauma. I would have had to put down anyway but she would have had a few days in peace with her mother, pictured below next to her. 

The tumor grew very fast and was invading every organ in every part of her head. 

God Bless Cleo! May she rest in peace and may the next birth be blessed.