SHE lived under the delusion that SHE was the Queened Princess of
an Alien Planet of Lesbian Lovers. All the rules SHE lived by and all her
behavioral responses provided evidence of this. Much of my life centered on
helping her live out this fantasy, painful as it was to me. Besides, my
Catholic guilt forced me to accept the proposition that sacrifice nourishes and
purifies our soul.
Still, I was not
so locked into my servitude that all other devotions were excluded. I met Sue
May as I was attempting to crawl from the claws of the newly crowned Queen from
the Planet of Lesbian Lovers. But I kept losing energy in my battle to escape.
When I came upon a new route, the Queen would crack her whip, blocking me. I
could not break through.
I was lost in the
spheres locked between fear, time, and oblivion when I met Sue May on the F
train. I was carrying my sports jacket, an attaché case and a shopping bag
while balancing a coke in one hand and my shades in the other. I sat down next
to Sue May, also known as, The Speaker From The House of Discreet Charm, and
proceeded to reorganize myself. My jacket slipped from my hands and I gripped
it tightly to prevent its fall. As I grabbed it to crush it closer, I heard a
highly toned, cultured voice, "exx, exxcuse me."
I turned and
looked her in the eye, "God," I exclaimed, catching sight of my hand
clutching her knee in my peripheral vision. "Sorry, I thought that was my
jacket." SHE smiled the way Speakers from that House do, completely
disarming me, compelling me to do her will. So I offered her an early dinner,
as SHE was wont to do.
Sue Mai thought
SHE was Speaker of the House of Representatives from a small mid-western state
where manners meant everything. The Speakers from this house pretended to live
in a time when discreet words and charm, and all behavioral nuances were aimed
at serving the vast quantities of man's needs.
YES! But behind
that sweetly beckoning smiling face, and in perfect rhythm, was the firm grasp
of her delicate hand. It was hard to see that Sue Mai possessed the same
determined sharp focus of energy as the Queened Princess. And I realize now, that both were bent on making the world, and especially me, think of nothing else,
but meeting their needs. At the time I never realized this. I don't mean that
the thought never entered my mind that I was allowing them to control me.
But of course now
in retrospect, I realize that I have realized this many times. But then, I was
just so much Under the Influence. I have always lived Under the Influence. It's
that way because I have always loved women, holding them in the highest regard.
And I kept searching for the one for me. Not just the one for me, you
understand, but the one who would save me from the Queened Princess and serve
my needs.
Now I had the
Newly Crowned, Queen Princess from the Alien Planet of Lesbian lovers in
conflict with Sweet Sue May, Speaker from the House on Discreet Charms
befitting maidens from places like Kentucky and Tennessee. Sad to say, they
couldn't get along at all. There was just too much conflict of interest. Both
were invested in controlling my subconscious.
For the Lesbian
Queen, I preformed sacrifice upon sacrifice, submitting to her will, making her
wish my command. I lived under her delusion that this would provide peace to
her Alien Planet of Lesbian Lovers and to me.
Meanwhile my sweet
and tame Sue May exerted her control by doling out her loving commands, their
sole purpose to provide her pleasure. I devotedly applied myself to make her
every wish my command.
All for naught. Between the two, there was no respite. The Queen and The Speaker hated each other. But the truth was, that didn't matter. What did matter was, that ultimately, between the two, I was left with no energy to serve myself.
