I HATE MY FAT, I WANT TO GO BACK TO THINNER ME

I see you -hiding inside -under so many layers of fat, carefully placed and misplaced

Inside and outside, you gain and lose in a cycle of fat to thin again

I try to see it is me but I see someone else, she’s not me. 

That woman I see in the mirror, I deny she’s me. 

I want to stop eating, makes my life so complicated because everything seems to be about food while life becomes more sedentary against my will

I don’t know what to do, so many theories about emotions

I want to walk more but my feet hurt, sometimes my hips ache, time chimes

Reflects my image in a mirror, Caught in a web of suspense to see who I am today cause everyday when I awake I’m a new becoming me

Betrayed by my shell, I hide as much of me as I can inside armor

Keep crying help, keep on trucking doing what I do

My system runs amuck and a thunder – I wish I could control my mind

I’m addicted to food – hard to forego food

Eat falafel - fills me up so much, eat Baba -Ghanoush loaded on tons of salad, 

seems to not matter – no matter what I consume … I can’t say, no excuses

Digesting food takes up too much time – I feel like I’m part of organized crime defending sublime

Give me water, honey and lemon- I promise I’ll still survive

I question me– why am I doing this to myself

Yet I hide myself watching me, I see myself from the outside

Creep out from the inside

I yell free me so I can move with the flow

I creep back inside to hide me from myself 

you know where I’m going with this

From humiliation and aspirations all combined, tied with a big purple bow

Put in front of you I am me in front of me I see me and become afraid Of who I am that I made me who I am to you I am you in a wounded knee I see who we are 

Who – attempt to reject self loathing

I am me, wounded, beneath who you are

Hide in plain sight in an underground version of myself

I ride deep waves within myself, diving deeper I fear I’m forever lost

Who is the self I claim to be trapped inside me waiting for a way outside myself

No escape, like a trapped bull in china of life trying to escape from myself 

Caught in an endless loops of myrioscope kaleidoscope color

Endless blues persist as I judge who I am

I see a violet sky inside me

Exploding in years of pain

Abstaining from gain I constrain myself

I’m a bloodstain of pain from which I came

I hide from myself and ask how did I ever withstand myself

Caught on a continental shelf I conspire to divide myself, prove myself, 

I will be a band of oneself to expand and assert myself, 

I will be a prayer of despair 

More morbid in beware

Nothing works that worked before

Now I hear all in my head

If I eat properly and see myself thin I will be – really?

Compare healthcare 

Impaired, play side chair in the affair, arise out of nowhere, I exist, I am somewhere, here to defend

I am sightseer in my own life, like a replay game in surround sound, can’t understand fear is …

So lonely inside, longing for love, I seek, I cry, 

worth the weight, FATE of my soul, I inquire, FIRE up insights

GET TO BE SEE THE REAL ME

IN REVERIE

In reverie of poetry, permit me to say

I’ve put up with my fair share of despair and let me downs
 -some hard - some easier

It’s all the same, like disappointment about disparaging remarks about my pink hair

Hair’s faded from bright red I admit

Hearing insults from important poets known on the scene about my poetry not being “real” poetry 

My poetry’s not authentic; it’s eccentric

I don’t know how you can get more real than me

My poetry is me and then some more

It has room for me and you in store

You find yourselves in here, inside a poem

Be careful what you say round me

I will quote you

in a poem

It’s no good to say I should delay

You say and pray I won’t consider putting your words in a poem even though you know that’s what I do

Repeat after me – I forbid you to put this in a poem

So if it’s not goose for the gander stop feeding me

Give me some respect for what I do

I spill my blood and guts for you

I receive letters from people who read what I write

I received one today from a nice girl. She said she’s sorry for my life, she feels so sad for me, she’s just glad she’s not here where I am, she wouldn’t know what to do if she stood here where I stand in my shoes,

She doesn’t know anyone who’s had it this bad

She just don’t know how I manage to survive a life this sad

I told her, "Suicide’s a waste of time,

I’d rather spend my energy writing poetry."

She said, "You suck at poetry!

You can’t write “real” poetry anyway."

You think I’m pulling your leg?

Then whose leg am I pulling? ~

Mine?

Damn, if I had my legs pulled a little, maybe this hip pain wouldn’t hurt so bad

So I’m an old fool who writes poetry – 

What did you say you do?

Good morning sunshine

Good morning sunshine

Today you look so fine

Look like you’re dressed to the nines

Good morning sunshine

I wish I could sing like Patsy Cline

Instead of like my tiny feline

Today I’m feeling turquoise, not quite blue because 

I’ve got some sunshine inside these cloudy dulls. 

I’m a scorcher flower who can bear the heat and not wilt today

Feeling turquoise, not quite blue, 

Kinda midway between a rose and a brunette 

Rose to face the glory of a new day, a day spiced with rosebuds, 

My little cinnamon boy, not a toy

Does the bluebird spell Rheingold – ill fit, sit a while, file me away – my mind strays

Like a stray branch on a tree, a lone bluebird sits alone, barking up the wrong tree, 

I see he jes can’t stop himself from falling in a heap under the magnolia tree

Because something got a hold a me I know it must be love

Good morning sunshine

My sweet bliss divine

Living on the incline

Thrown together on a lifeline

*Sunshine on a cloudy day – when it’s cold outside I want the month of may

I guess you’d say what can make me feel this way, My guy – my guy talking about my guy

Good morning sunshine

Today I don’t need any wine

To make me feel Dr. FeelGood

The sun is shining 

I’m a scorcher flower  

I won’t wilt today

Think it’s gonna rain today, sky a cloudy silver gray

Rain the same under these silver gray skies

Turquoise, feeling a yellow shade of blue

Sunshine peeking through my blinds

Good morning sunshine

Living on the sweet side 

*Temptations

A CHANGE IS GONNA COME SOMEDAY

Smell The Coffee

Something’s brewing out there

Not just brewing in my head

It’s not imagined, it’s real, I feel it

Feel it in the way the sun hides behind clouds

Feel it in the volatile change of weather

something’s brewing out here

Time goes by, eventually all life will be dead

Our sun’s holding on by a thread

Nothing will take its stead

Sun doesn’t come out for days

Destruction of our universe

Sun pokes through a moment or two

Clouds cover sun most days

can’t locate sun’s rays or recall sun’s warmth

Rare that sun shines through clouds

See sun less and less I wonder

Is it the ozone layer, fracking, animal waste run-off,

or the GMO’s combined with Roundup and Monsanto

Don’t know if the sun will shine once more in all her glory

Will she ever be like she used to be once more?

End of times, and I wonder when we’ll lose the grid

Chem trails surround us with the lies we’re fed

Electric grids fail, flooding, hurricanes and tsunami’s all around

Clear established patterns following blindly, eyes wide open yet blind

to seeing how quickly earth’s changing storms,  it all from A to Z

A new dawn brewing, a new storm brewing,

Day by day we passively follow like domesticated goats in the herd

with little bo-peep you don’t hear a peep

we get trampled underfoot wild herds of bucks passing by

crows squawking trying to read sense while humans

go about their business of leading the herd of humans

so unbearable they’ve conquered the earth that birthed us forth

The abuse starts up high and is the only trickled down thing

among us humans as we abuse our own kind

follow the same strategy all the way down the line

Something’s brewing out there

I smell change coming
A change is gonna come someday

DREAM ON

An off key blues singer, ms blues to you, so sing along with me

I want to sing my bluetry off key for you

So we can have a fling, peruse my blues, schmooze along the Danube

Escape New York City’s sweet heat summertime

Maybe book a trip to Syracuse where it’s always cold

Got the blues from my head to my toes

Good morning heartache

Try to keep pushing ahead

Exploding inside like an earthquake

Heartbeat moves like a drumhead

Love’s left behind in the game

Make the dream reality

Integrity, happily love the song Valerie

Especially as sang by Amy,

There’s a fatality of sanctity

Specificity is not the answer

Hard to stay focused, too much to do

my mind swept up in strong currents

Some things matter more than money monarchies

Demolition derby – spiteful resolution

My poetic genius stands across the street

Observing me from Ft. George Hill

With trepidation, Search for liberation

Discover corruption in my old soul

“Walk this way,” I say

Flames eat me alive from inside

Sky set on fire, bring our souls from mire,

My heart a siren, beats with desire

Stir passion in, fire blossoms into love

Religious history for all mankind

Find our way out of a bind 

Stay on the peace grind, remain centered, mindful

All religion winds down to similar precepts

My life’s an open book

Written in an ancient language only my soul deciphers

Is it easy to define me?

A midnight blue sky filled with silver stars twinkling fragrant amidst fuchsia blossoms

Leaves falling from dogwood trees

A white turtledove suddenly flies into my open hand - from above, spreads his wings

Hovers a second or two above my head

Do you think I’m in love again?

Floating in the sea,

I’m where I need to be

Like living in a musical ballet
Jelling in a renaissance of humanity

PRECIPITOUS RAINSTORM IN MY HEAD

My thoughts run wild like a child beguiled

Can’t follow instructions or conversation

Want my mind reconciled

My mind runs ahead of me screaming directions

In desperation I hear reflections abound in my head

Talking so fast I get lost trying to follow

So much confusion right here in my brain

Follow the next thought with exasperation

Turn left here now turn right and take this detour

The allure of this thought or that conjecture calls

I can’t keep track, my thoughts run so fast

Runs fast from past to current newscast

Weather overcast, Look through clothes amassed

What should I wear today?

Why am I an outcast?

I must be miscast

The details flabbergast me

How long can all this last?

Thoughts flit like a bird from tree to bough

I attempt to plow through my to do list

But only get so far when my mind races again

No wonder I’m so tired at the end of the day

I can’t keep my mind still, keep it

So lively inside, I talk to hundreds of people a day

Only it’s only inside my head where the conversations play

My rich inner life never occurs in real time

It’s like a ball bouncing between very close walls

Like music, my reflections rise and fall

Uncontained by restraints

My mind races on uncontained

An eruption occurs 10 times a second

I try to check in with the present

With frequent dissent into intent

I reckon my mind’s in a rush like

A kiss and first blush, my mind
moves so fast I feel like I been running all day

Believe In The Dream

Make the dream reality

Integrity, happily love the song Valerie

Especially as sang by Amy,

There’s a fatality of sanctity 

Specificity is not the answer

Hard to stay focused, too many things to focus on 

my mind swept up in strong currents 

Some things matter more than money monarchies 

Set the sky on fire, bring souls out of mire, 

Heart is a siren beats with desire 

Tired of infighting, stir the fire of love 

Israel’s religious history is here for all mankind to find their way out of a bind  

stay on the peace grind at the center of mindfulness, 

All religion winds down to similar precepts 

my life’s seems an open book 

I say it’s written in an ancient language translated by my soul 

So stop thinking it’s so simple to define me 

A midnight blue sky filled with silver stars amidst fuchsia blossoms 

Leaves falling from dogwood trees 

A white turtle dove suddenly flew into my hand-came  from above, 

hovered a second or two 

Do you think it’s because I’m in love again?

Making Lemonade

I got my own sour songs, my own sour wrongs,

My own damn right to sing the blues

Catch me if you can because I’m elusive conclusive

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet

but the fruit of the poor lemon tree is impossible to eat

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet

but the fruit of the lemon is impossible to eat

One day beneath the lemon tree I realized I’d been fooled from the start

Make it a point to fool myself regarding matters of the heart

Love is very pretty to see

adrenalin runs thickly through my veins

tries to convince me I cause the sour taste

so I swallow the bitter trying not to wallow in self-pity,

To regain insight without blame trying my best to believe love exists

Our great nation is at the mercy of another oppression

a rising recession a looming depression of immense proportions

like we’ve only seen once before.

I’m tired of making lemonade with so many lemons

I want to leave the bad behind, keep an open mind

I’ve come to like the taste of bitter lemons discovering it’s better than nothing at all

Search for direction a solution to the pollution, the destruction of humans and planet looking for a way out of the confusion, the inevitable destruction giving up human rights, praying for evolution some simple solution another revolution

In a rhapsody of blue dreams unable to define, blowing in the wind

The planets aligned provide piece of mind

a little peace of mind to help hope stay alive to dream

about fresh ground and brewed java served with a little steamed cream each morning

Sunlight steams though the window blinds provide a remnant of peace.

A world where everyone’s kind, people refuse to be blind truth dominates

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet

but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat

WHAT’S GOING ON

Why blame me for all the pain

Credit me for all the gains you’ve had

For years and years

Credit me for fame

Who wants the blame for what you said I did

That I didn’t do

I know your name

It’s ok for you to jump in my game

  

Stop acting like we’re Cain and Abel

Or like we’re both rebels on opposite sides

In line for the same resources

I’m your friend not your enemy

Don’t confuse me,

I won’t excuse you

Don’t play this game today

My name is your name

Let’s put us in a frame

It sounds a little lame

But it’s true not contrite

We’re staying tight

Don’t give up the fight

I’m trying to keep you alive

Finally saw the light

Left behind the blight

Left me in such a fright

Really not trite

I assure you

The value of my life depends on fame, on my name, my game and gain

Spread the word

Don’t blame me for the pain

For not seeing the way you claim

To see I can’t pretend to be or see what I don’t see

I’d like to play that game sometimes, would make life a little easier and I admit I took that turn several times – went down that path knowing the truth had left me there, alone and bereft

So I try again and again

Help, help me please

For The Thrill Of It All

Hugs and kisses, velvet wishes

Come to an end and what’s left

Change husbands, like changing an old pair of shoes for new

Like buying a new pair of shoes

Sudden change to my heart’s colder weather

Gets cold outside, feel blue, another breakthrough

Work to get through the next day

Everyone says they’re coming through

Can’t believe what anyone says

It’s a new day and I’m

one flew over the cuckoo’s nest

Hard pressed to think I messed up again

Trying my best to stay compressed, so distressed

My heart thumps in my chest

Please God let me be Mae West

Life’s work a contest, possessed by desire to conquest

Impressed by old things finessed, dressed to kill

Live in an all frills world

Cotton candy clouds

Are worth more than riches         

And more delicious too

Death gnaws at my life

Fret at changes in this body I no longer know like I used to

No longer own

This body betrays me and does whatever it wants to do

It’s not me just a shell, like a tortoise I will shed

My body like a garden hose, thrown around and carelessly mistreated till it grows holes

Neglected, abused, torn inside out, rife with strife

Can’t get away from myself

This body ages without grace

Thoughts seclude me

Nostalgia eludes me

Randomly search inside to know this body that is mine

Life’s burrs consume me

Soul is youthful, yearns to learn, to see the unseen

Physical pains don’t belong to me, only this body I am forced to carry

It can’t all be bad - We all get old

Some of life glows with rhythm like sudden golden shimmers of a glad song

Words are the answer to my body.

Return to my roots, go slow with the flow, my words – this body begins to control what I do

I swear this body is not me and struggle to see what I
truly am made of – sugar and spice, so nice

Destiny tugs at my heart’s strings
I sing my way through the valley of my soul