Big Mess

 The Mess of My Life

 

Is it my life’s purpose to participate in the unmitigatedness 

of this entire mess, less of life than I desired 

The older I get, the more stuff gets crammed inside my head

Nothing I can do, live with the dread

process the grief, the stress depresses me to see 

underhandedness of people who surround me

in for a penny – in for a pound

lose my mind, in an abyss of fear

lose ground all around

like a throwaway thingamajig 

each day past means one day less than the rest

each day less of me remains

new campaigns seek re-election every day

seek relief and see none

Life a very, very, long dry run

 

Used for sex, thrown away afterward

Relationships sought and denied

In lieu of instinctual, reciprocal sexual favors

Craved for more complex relationships too

a joke on two, who do you say did the dirty deed of wanting all of me 

more than my dream come true, different nightmares

invade my space, my hullabaloo, my valuable time 

I wonder if this mess, this less sunshine every day

 

See what’s left of the unmitigated mess

Done with tests although always tried for more

Did the best I could. It was never enough to see me through 

to better days desired

Make my way through the door, seek that more and 

realize time is brief

Here’s the rub -heroes of our own lives, we grind our way 

a life confined 

prisoners assigned to our demise

Blind and spellbound, stumble through days 

A throwaway and stowaway in my own life

 

I gotta make it through – to the rainbow ridge

Wish I could streamline, unwind the process of this mess

Take a different test, rewind the tape 

Do anew the test of fate thrown in my face

Blind and spellbound, stumble through days 

Too sick for the nightlife, don’t miss it

Always someone’s wife, always avoid lowlife, 

live with stress of the mess

A throwaway, a stowaway in my own life

Peace to the Planet

 PEACE TO ALL SENTIENT BEINGS

 

Summer’s here but living’s not easy

Humidity abates here and there,

The air’s pretty hazy

Times Square is still pretty sleazy

Closed public seating there

Get all our food – from who knows where

When I think about it, get scared

Easy times are rare

Life’s very unfair

Especially for animals on factory farms

Want us to think our meat is here by charm

Nothing’s very clear

If we were to witness animal’s suffering,

Their atmosphere, no space, no air,

Living in their excrement

How many of us could bear

The suffering, does anyone care?

I sit here in my chair waiting

For the rain to come to clean

Dirty city air

While wild horses are corralled

by helicopters in the air

Taken to slaughterhouses in Mexico

Denied food or water, hundreds of thousands

By our inhumane society and made into dog food

Marilyn Monroe, a humanist through and through

Exposed this in her last film, the Misfits, in 1961

Look it up online at American Wild Horse Preservation

Trying to deal with so much cruelty

Horrors, animals’ torment

The world’s not what it’s meant to be

Take a deep breath,

Ask who cares?

How do us humans dare?

I’ve Got Too Much To Do To Constantly Look Out For U

 I’ve Got Too Much To Do To Constantly Look Out For U

 

The ACLU needs to look out for U

I can’t do it all, there’s too much on my plate

Events redefine themselves

Replay inside my head

I want to re-possess my thoughts

while I obsess about U & 

U wait for me to go out so U can watch porno

 

Ur best friend at work wrote U up for killing a mouse

For challenging a student who dissed U

In my eyes, she set herself apart

As another Dubble X hoe

The last straw to get U off-track

Ur best friend stabbed U in the back

Her pursuit of a married chocolate-skinned supervisor

Forced her to write a report against U

 

Lil’ C kept a proprietary view towards U

A subterfuge of friendship when really 

All U shared were Ur sexual obsessions 

She bragged during our 1^st phone conversation that U gave her money 

And that she did that to make Ur ex jealous

Lil’ C made it clear to me she could have U if she wanted to

Confident U were all up in her shit

I wanted to ask her Y’d she'd take Ur money if she’s Ur friend

but stayed quiet at Ur unspoken request

U said U had to have one friend @ work

 

She texted U at 5:30 am, weekend 

After weekends – while I shared Ur bed

“R U awake,” she texts eager to share 

The lurid details of her most recent sexual conquest 

Confides in Mr. Porno-head about her nights of drunken’ love & lust

how she awoke on the bathroom floor in her own vomit

After her pussy was sucked & fucked 

 

Texts U B-4 she falls asleep 

R U awake, I kicked them out

Kicks out the dicks who fucked her pussy on the bathroom floor

U know what’s in store

Except for Pernet, her Indian lover 

Who is the only one who does what he wants to do with her

And when he’s through fucking her he kicks himself out immediately

 

Mr. Porno-head is so enticed 

Tells U how Ur ex-girlfriend's large breasts excite her 

U took vicarious pleasure in her marvelous sexual descriptions

She outlines in detail the various sexual positions 

Pernet roughly shoves her into 

Tells you she really digs the roughness you see 

all the other men R in such awe

they can’t excite her sexually

 

Mr. Porno head Ur so enticed

 

U said her motives were platonic 

She never lusted after U

never wanted to fuck U - never wanted to be Ur lover

U tell me there’s something repulsive, 

dark & ugly beneath her exotic beauty –  

Said last time U saw her she draped a silk scarf around Ur neck

Pulling Ur face closer

And when you pulled away and said you had to leave

She said, “let’s take it from the top.”

U pretended nothing was said

Refused to dip Ur sweet dick into her wet hole

 

I was there beside U in bed the morning she 

Called at 6 am after Pernet had left

She saw him on her subway ride with a pure-blooded Indian beauty 

Told U she intended to go back to him

U warned her against this

Told her U were disturbed & worried 

She’s got so many men

Chillin & waiting to get laid every day at her place

“Yes,” I responded, “I know, U became part of her entourage.”

U laughed, agreed it happened for a minute 

“She’s so promiscuous,” U say, U “worry for her safety”

I say “U can’t take care of her 24 – 7, U can’t take care of Urself.”

U continue telling me the story

“She says I use my son as an excuse not to chill with her on the weekend

She told me the elevator man at work threatened to rape her

The maintenance man too,” U worry

 

U were homesick when she called @ 10:00 pm to have a 25-minute phone conversation 

about some Mexican on the train who jerked off to her as she walked by

Mr. Machismo, Ur other alter ego, vowed to protect her 

The same way U vowed to protect me

U’d said U’d kill anyone who came near us

 

Mr. Porno-head Ur so enticed 

Her stories R so interesting 

So innocent U didn’t see what was crystal clear to me

Until she stabbed U in the back

U said U never saw the knife coming

Mr. Porno-head is in despair 

he’s taken flight for a minute 

 

Did she become jealous when U became my Romeo alone 

Was it then she became Ur Mercutio instead

U said U never saw the knife coming

Despite Ur many requests that she visit during Ur illness

U kept telling her she should meet me

& she agreed but never came once; I was here

 

My energy is my essence it’s alive strong - powerful

U feel me burning & I burn U in return

Ouch feel me, U’ve felt the power within

Who else could or would take care of U like that?

 

I’m the real thing not the fake conqueror of men

Mr. Porno – head is insensate, blind

I memorize Ur face with my eyes

Because it changes instant to instant

I have to recall the many U’s existent 

Ur beauty overtakes me

 

She saw U’d become addicted to me

Already knew I’m addicted to U

U became addicted to my charms

As U stayed within my arms

I’ve become Ur drug of choice

 

 

Off Key Dreams

Specificity is not the answer

Hard to stay focused, too many things to focus on 

my mind swept up in strong currents 

Some things matter more than money monarchies 

 

Make my dreams reality

Love integrity lost in melodies of pageantry,

Empathy dissolved in a legacy of zealotry

There’s a fatality of sanctity 

 

Set the sky on fire, bring souls out of mire, 

Heart is a siren, beats with desire 

Tired of infighting, stir the fire of love 

Israel’s religious history is here for all mankind 

should search to find their way out of a bind  

 

Stay on the peace grind at the center of mindfulness, 

All religion winds down to similar precepts 

my life seems an open book 

I say it’s written in an ancient language translated by my soul 

 

Stop thinking it’s so simple to define me 

A midnight blue sky filled with silver stars amidst fuchsia blossoms 

 

Leaves fall from dogwood trees 

A white turtle dove flew into my hand, came from above, 

hovered a second or two 

Do you think I’m in love again?

Trees (written in 1980, while studying at Columbia U)

I am a tree receiving light

Or perhaps just an image of delight

I follow through on life's extensions

resulting in awareness of different dimensions

 

Where are the remnants of my rational power?

Perhaps I lost them as I ascended the tower

There I became imprisoned by tension

while I pondered, was logic my pension?

 

Now, I may feel alive and free 

Or sometimes as rooted as a tree

three hundred years old in all its splendor,

While I look at my heart and search for its mender

 

Do I truly love desire or care?

Is it only that I feel my cupboard base is bare?

When I dwell on spiritual elements compounded;

I remember that God has created men well-rounded.

 

Then reason declares desires and fears well-founded:

And I know everything is previously included and far ahead accounted.

Life's round of births and deaths, and beginnings do deceive some,

But the question remains, despite all, ... Is there an end to receive one?

Is The World Going Crazy

 IS THE WORLD GOING CRAZY OR IS IT ME

 

Stop asking so many questions or

I could begin to think you’re a cop

I can’t think up the answers that fast

Are you the prosecution or what

Stop looking into my eyes so deep

Like if you look real hard you’ll see what you wanna see 

Like you can see through me

Crinkling like cellophane my body withers before you

You want answers to your questions or what

What are you trying to see

Is it the I in you

Or the I in I

Please see I’m only trying to bring the situation to fruition

It just takes a little more preparation

Forever searching for direction

It’s making a huge impression on me

How many decisions do I have to make

No, I’m a grown woman I don’t need permission

I don’t care about your trepidation

I’m searching for liberation

Haven’t found it anywhere

It’s not as clear as it used to be

I thought I was so aware

It isn’t always fair either

Too many discussions

Deliberations on the same old themes

Wars & losses, poverty, and gasoline prices

Dresses & designers, writers & artists

Vacations & lives, returning home again

Our time and space is limited,

We’re here on this earth to enjoy life do

What we can, our minds so full of clutter

the glimmer the shimmer outside

draws into the glow

mostly it’s all show

sometimes we can’t see what’s right in front of us

I couldn’t see that book that’s clearly right

there on the bookshelf where you left it before

after we looked and looked;

neither of us could see that book right there on the shelf

right there on the shelf

looked once then twice we saw nothing

Looking through the glass pane window

Should I should go in or wait out here

Alone in the rain of my life

The drops glistening on my skin

Should I join the crowd inside

Watching diamonds in the rough

Watching is never enough

give me a moment or two

I’ma go rearrange the universe

Reinvent The Universe

Need alone downtime 

To survive threatening circumstances

Need to listen to the hurt, hear the cries

Regrets I try to forget, leave behind

I turn a blind eye to the answer

Vow to leave doubt out of the question to my answer

Lies survive, my lips deny my heart

Fear a mishap on the horizon

An angel forsaking our great nation on the verge of denial

Does Gehinnom exist? - Jew’s purgatory

Refuse to accommodate doubts about heaven or hell: 

Gehinnom

Intensification exists no doubt

Fingertips feel my heart beat with passion 

Sensation alive in my drive

Pain sears through my womb 

Pain rips my soul from a concentration camp

Revive a better nation based on the assumption

That they do what they want to and we do what we’re told

Secrets we hold near, they hurt but they stay there 

I deny what we live through

Live outside my head in the grip of a constant illusion 

Hear conversations that never occur

Survive the delusion I live inside my head

Rich imaginings of what was said 

What never was nor will be

Die and I never said what I meant to say to you and now I never will

The pain never stops 

I keep moving my feet to a beat only I hear, 

I try to help someone hear, 

Please hear, but no one hears but my fear

Standing alone in a grim bleak reality, coming and going alone

Solutions flash by and are slashed off by reality as 

I follow the path of Dorothy unafraid of what precedes me, lies in wait 

In a roughened bush burning by the side of an elegant brook 

In a forest of deceit, I wander hearing innocent animals slaughtered 

Cries calling out in my head instead 

Reality frozen in a time frame 

Waiting for a way out of the underflow 

I call to every passerby I see

Please, I beg, a hand please, I beg, don’t hurt me 

I’m only a first-time offender 

I didn’t mean to raise my hand, 

Absolution for the abortion, 

Please stop the pollution, 

I hear the cries of an ancient race of animals now all dead, 

There’s no more of them to kill, only a lab created animal exists 

Please Father, a benediction before I go and leave this universe

Can you give me a calculation of where you think I’ll be?

Father I have sinned, 10 hail Marys and go your way and sin no more 

I promise, Father I have sinned

Afraid there’s another life waiting somewhere to find me 

Explore, seeking to find my way out of mischief into a glance of an inner richer universe

No exsanguination please

Try not to cry and the tears build in my eyes betray me

Water builds but doesn’t flow, yet you see me

I explode into another me - who is she? 

I don’t know 

I didn’t make her 

She is I bubbling beneath the blood 

Warm, ready to burst forth in flames fires 

Burst forth from my mouth like a dragon breathing fire I

Explode into a new me

Once more, a reinvention of whom I want to be

PRAY THE WORLD LET LOVE WIN ~ LET'S LOVE IN

Only way to overcome hate

Desire to pray overtakes me

Rub melted pure organic coconut oil

On my skin

Desire to pray overtakes me

All type prayers invade me at once, 

can’t figure what’s wrong with me

Praying in tongues 

Words escape me, call on Jesus 

Call on God

Pray there’s really one,

To answer the call

Bring peace and love to all

 

Pray to Jesus, please help me heal me from this pain

This misery that becomes me

My brother, my brethren, his blood is where I came from

Tribes nearby where he was born, is where my blood is from

I pray, 

Recall how you told me, pray to Mother and Father Coconut to heal you 

while you massage coconut oil into your skin and they will hear you, they will heal you

So, I do this too

Please hear my prayers and heal me

Pray to all who may hear me

Speak no Hebrew except in tongues unknown that overtake me

Can’t escape being a Jew 

 

Stop the thunder, hurt and pain

Pain like a runaway train

Hurts to watch humanity

Be so cold unto itself 

Like a runaway train

Pain inside me grows to implode, explode

Pain inside and out ~ sit & watch

 

Something’s got a hold o’ me, I know it must be love

A treasure trove, need to relieve the pain of humanity

Love is life send it to your home from mine

Spread the word, 

Escape the thunder

So scared the thunder will win

Pray, say, hear the lord’s words

Feel love – so scared love does lose  

Young people must show the way

The world, unleased, has lost its way

This runaway train can only be stopped by love

The hurt and the pain can only be stopped by love

Stand in the way, hey Father, hey

let love stop world’s craziness 

let humanity be what it should be, 

what it could be if only love is all we need

 

 

MY HEART GOES ASTRAY

Static in my heart sings a ring so strong

like an episode of sesame street gone wrong,

the world gone awry in a single cry awoke

evoked clouds linger in the pre-reminiscent pregnant air

five seconds ago on the web, I watched

Yellow red purple smoke rings cascade up from Cape Canaveral

Choked on enzymes fumes

in absence of love invades hate on the abyss a trend in fate,

an alias to convert a feather stroke to abuse with a lavender candle invoked

Skyrocket in sight with a socket in my cap. 

Didn’t say it wasn’t love

The rhythm of the music moves my hands

Heros dead in a flash of smoke one last glare

Great curls of white smoke rise eyes tear

Life throws so many darts no way to know

Step smack middle in the midst watch them go

Lost glares silence stares me in the eye, 

life isn’t fair you cry, 

I never told you it was

an old theme renewed reneged turn your back,

go away little girl though that cunt tastes so sweet to eat 

keep it away from me,

cause I’m dangerous.

I lie, cheat and go to war to get to eat what I want.

I’m so aware, King of the State of affairs between me and Britain.

Jews are lucky, we have a soul with an afterlife, not a hell.

Eat your sins for the glory shall be mine.

Got the fine for double parking, ate that too, a mighty tasty lugubrious morsel of time,

paid only one dime, was worth every cent, a one-of-a-kind find

white, pure, shiny granules of hope runs

Gotta meet fate at the corner of Doomston and Outta control genetic traits boulevard

The station gate at eight don’t be late, I set my heart on this chart.

I’m the bait. Worth the wait, good rate, not hatin’ I’m chillin'.

A breath of fresh mint, double-mint peppermint gum

Repressed a breeze in Iceland emigrated to USA,

reject from Liverpool, traded in Halvah for a day,

lost in the fleshiness of the moment I give my life away

Smoke that dream before I cream you

Smoke that dream before I cream you

 

I’ve got all my own mishigas too sufficient to sort through. Memories a life’s sake, a backache, earache filibuster, Monroe birthday zone, a black hole, don’t know where to go. A vagabond review, a Scarsdale Hebrew cemetery, morsel of dainty tastiness nastiness a black hole of madness no home to go to, a Hebrew Jew.

 

Stuck inside my head, a poet’s world, inspired to drive down dirty get high on some Thai stick, trying to get skinny on the sly, sounds tinny, the words stuck in my eardrums, tum de dum

 

Exhale poetry with scarlet U2 embolism demolishes dents an entire world out there me capsized in the cave in a mountain dew bats flapping in my head I breathe new scents for a few sense amillia, vanilla will do me fine.

 

Inhale Exhale, a little cheech and chong, put it in a little pill for me. I want to kill that roach, don’t encroach on my spot, shit I see you got your eyes on a brand new spanking spaldine, bounce da ballie, brand new – higher than that kite you want to make take flight.

 

Fire your ass off stop sass saw me in half. I wanna make some war in cognito infinito, vagabond report retort a torte a flamingo of golden gal glimmer if I offer you a drizzle of Acapulco gold.

 

If you only got sensimilla, with nice big blue green buds, a thai joint will bend me fine, ven aqui, pasa lo, share it, … please.

 

Don’t do me like that. My hand’s open – greed.

 

Give me some of that weed, I need some time to digest the rest but so far will take I'm not a lawyer. I’m a voyeur, not a destroyer, not part of the choir, I live in a temple excoriate licorice on my breath, a little violet lipstick, blissful Babel bagel babe of a comet a carnal cattle pick up your bustle and hustle along. Mazel Tov!

 

Damask cilantro, don’t ask, another whiff of that smoke, floating up from all that patchouli incense I use to mask the scent of that hashish oil mixed with opium.

 

Up in smoke it went, again and again.