Friday, May 11, 2018

I HATE MY FAT, I WANT TO GO BACK TO THINNER ME

I see you -hiding inside -under so many layers of fat, carefully placed and misplaced
Inside and outside, you gain and lose in a cycle of fat to thin again
I try to see it is me but I see someone else, she’s not me. 
That woman I see in the mirror, I deny she’s me. 
I want to stop eating, makes my life so complicated because everything seems to be about food while life becomes more sedentary against my will
I don’t know what to do, so many theories about emotions
I want to walk more but my feet hurt, sometimes my hips ache, time chimes
Reflects my image in a mirror, Caught in a web of suspense to see who I am today cause everyday when I awake I’m a new becoming me
Betrayed by my shell, I hide as much of me as I can inside armor
Keep crying help, keep on trucking doing what I do
My system runs amuck and a thunder – I wish I could control my mind
I’m addicted to food – hard to forego food
Eat falafel - fills me up so much, eat Baba -Ghanoush loaded on tons of salad, 
seems to not matter – no matter what I consume … I can’t say, no excuses
Digesting food takes up too much time – I feel like I’m part of organized crime defending sublime
Give me water, honey and lemon- I promise I’ll still survive
I question me– why am I doing this to myself
Yet I hide myself watching me, I see myself from the outside
Creep out from the inside
I yell free me so I can move with the flow
I creep back inside to hide me from myself 
you know where I’m going with this
From humiliation and aspirations all combined, tied with a big purple bow
Put in front of you I am me in front of me I see me and become afraid Of who I am that I made me who I am to you I am you in a wounded knee I see who we are 
Who – attempt to reject self loathing
I am me, wounded, beneath who you are
Hide in plain sight in an underground version of myself
I ride deep waves within myself, diving deeper I fear I’m forever lost
Who is the self I claim to be trapped inside me waiting for a way outside myself
No escape, like a trapped bull in china of life trying to escape from myself 
Caught in an endless loops of myrioscope kaleidoscope color
Endless blues persist as I judge who I am
I see a violet sky inside me
Exploding in years of pain
Abstaining from gain I constrain myself
I’m a bloodstain of pain from which I came
I hide from myself and ask how did I ever withstand myself
Caught on a continental shelf I conspire to divide myself, prove myself, 
I will be a band of oneself to expand and assert myself, 
I will be a prayer of despair 
More morbid in beware
Nothing works that worked before
Now I hear all in my head
If I eat properly and see myself thin I will be – really?
Compare healthcare 
Impaired, play side chair in the affair, arise out of nowhere, I exist, I am somewhere, here to defend
I am sightseer in my own life, like a replay game in surround sound, can’t understand fear is …
So lonely inside, longing for love, I seek, I cry, 
worth the weight, FATE of my soul, I inquire, FIRE up insights
GET TO BE SEE THE REAL ME

Friday, May 04, 2018

IN REVERIE




In reverie of poetry, permit me to say
I’ve put up with my fair share of despair and let me downs
 -some hard - some easier
It’s all the same, like disappointment about disparaging remarks about my pink hair
Hair’s faded from bright red I admit
Hearing insults from important poets known on the scene about my poetry not being “real” poetry 
My poetry’s not authentic; it’s eccentric
I don’t know how you can get more real than me
My poetry is me and then some more
It has room for me and you in store
You find yourselves in here, inside a poem
Be careful what you say round me
I will quote you
in a poem
It’s no good to say I should delay
You say and pray I won’t consider putting your words in a poem even though you know that’s what I do
Repeat after me – I forbid you to put this in a poem
So if it’s not goose for the gander stop feeding me
Give me some respect for what I do
I spill my blood and guts for you
I receive letters from people who read what I write
I received one today from a nice girl. She said she’s sorry for my life, she feels so sad for me, she’s just glad she’s not here where I am, she wouldn’t know what to do if she stood here where I stand in my shoes,
She doesn’t know anyone who’s had it this bad
She just don’t know how I manage to survive a life this sad
I told her, "Suicide’s a waste of time,
I’d rather spend my energy writing poetry."
She said, "You suck at poetry!
You can’t write “real” poetry anyway."
You think I’m pulling your leg?
Then whose leg am I pulling? ~
Mine?
Damn, if I had my legs pulled a little, maybe this hip pain wouldn’t hurt so bad
So I’m an old fool who writes poetry – 
What did you say you do?


Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Good morning sunshine

Good morning sunshine
Today you look so fine
Look like you’re dressed to the nines
Good morning sunshine
I wish I could sing like Patsy Cline
Instead of like my tiny feline

Today I’m feeling turquoise, not quite blue because 
I’ve got some sunshine inside these cloudy dulls. 
I’m a scorcher flower who can bear the heat and not wilt today
Feeling turquoise, not quite blue, 
Kinda midway between a rose and a brunette 
Rose to face the glory of a new day, a day spiced with rosebuds, 
My little cinnamon boy, not a toy
Does the bluebird spell Rheingold – ill fit, sit a while, file me away – my mind strays
Like a stray branch on a tree, a lone bluebird sits alone, barking up the wrong tree, 
I see he jes can’t stop himself from falling in a heap under the magnolia tree

Because something got a hold a me I know it must be love
Good morning sunshine
My sweet bliss divine
Living on the incline
Thrown together on a lifeline

*Sunshine on a cloudy day – when it’s cold outside I want the month of may
I guess you’d say what can make me feel this way, My guy – my guy talking about my guy

Good morning sunshine
Today I don’t need any wine
To make me feel Dr. FeelGood
The sun is shining 
I’m a scorcher flower  
I won’t wilt today

Think it’s gonna rain today, sky a cloudy silver gray
Rain the same under these silver gray skies
Turquoise, feeling a yellow shade of blue
Sunshine peeking through my blinds
Good morning sunshine
Living on the sweet side 



*Temptations

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

A CHANGE IS GONNA COME SOMEDAY

Smell The Coffee
Something’s brewing out there
Not just brewing in my head
It’s not imagined, it’s real, I feel it

Feel it in the way the sun hides behind clouds
Feel it in the volatile change of weather
something’s brewing out here

Time goes by, eventually all life will be dead
Our sun’s holding on by a thread
Nothing will take its stead

Sun doesn’t come out for days
Destruction of our universe
Sun pokes through a moment or two
Clouds cover sun most days
can’t locate sun’s rays or recall sun’s warmth
Rare that sun shines through clouds
See sun less and less I wonder

Is it the ozone layer, fracking, animal waste run-off,
or the GMO’s combined with Roundup and Monsanto
Don’t know if the sun will shine once more in all her glory
Will she ever be like she used to be once more?
End of times, and I wonder when we’ll lose the grid

Chem trails surround us with the lies we’re fed
Electric grids fail, flooding, hurricanes and tsunami’s all around
Clear established patterns following blindly, eyes wide open yet blind
to seeing how quickly earth’s changing storms,  it all from A to Z
A new dawn brewing, a new storm brewing,

Day by day we passively follow like domesticated goats in the herd
with little bo-peep you don’t hear a peep
we get trampled underfoot wild herds of bucks passing by
crows squawking trying to read sense while humans
go about their business of leading the herd of humans
so unbearable they’ve conquered the earth that birthed us forth

The abuse starts up high and is the only trickled down thing
among us humans as we abuse our own kind
follow the same strategy all the way down the line
Something’s brewing out there
I smell change coming
A change is gonna come someday

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

DREAM ON

An off key blues singer, ms blues to you, so sing along with me
I want to sing my bluetry off key for you
So we can have a fling, peruse my blues, schmooze along the Danube
Escape New York City’s sweet heat summertime
Maybe book a trip to Syracuse where it’s always cold
Got the blues from my head to my toes
Good morning heartache
Try to keep pushing ahead
Exploding inside like an earthquake
Heartbeat moves like a drumhead
Love’s left behind in the game

Make the dream reality
Integrity, happily love the song Valerie
Especially as sang by Amy,
There’s a fatality of sanctity
Specificity is not the answer
Hard to stay focused, too much to do
my mind swept up in strong currents
Some things matter more than money monarchies

Demolition derby – spiteful resolution
My poetic genius stands across the street
Observing me from Ft. George Hill
With trepidation, Search for liberation
Discover corruption in my old soul
“Walk this way,” I say
Flames eat me alive from inside

Sky set on fire, bring our souls from mire,
My heart a siren, beats with desire
Stir passion in, fire blossoms into love
Religious history for all mankind
Find our way out of a bind 
Stay on the peace grind, remain centered, mindful
All religion winds down to similar precepts
My life’s an open book
Written in an ancient language only my soul deciphers
Is it easy to define me?

A midnight blue sky filled with silver stars twinkling fragrant amidst fuchsia blossoms
Leaves falling from dogwood trees
A white turtledove suddenly flies into my open hand - from above, spreads his wings
Hovers a second or two above my head
Do you think I’m in love again?

Floating in the sea,
I’m where I need to be
Like living in a musical ballet
Jelling in a renaissance of humanity

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

PRECIPITOUS RAINSTORM IN MY HEAD

My thoughts run wild, like a child beguiled
Can’t follow instructions or conversation
Want my mind reconciled
My mind runs ahead of me screaming directions
In desperation I hear reflections abound in my head
Talking so fast I get lost trying to follow
So much confusion right here in my brain
Follow the next thought with exasperation
Turn left here now turn right and take this detour
The allure of this thought or that conjecture calls
I can’t keep track, my thoughts run so fast
Runs fast from past to current newscast
Weather overcast, Look through clothes amassed
What should I wear today?
Why am I an outcast?
I must be miscast
The details flabbergast me
How long can all this last?
Thoughts flit like a bird from tree to bough
I attempt to plow through my to do list
But only get so far when my mind races again
No wonder I’m so tired at the end of the day
I can’t keep my mind still, keep it
So lively inside, I talk to hundreds of people a day
Only it’s only inside my head where the conversations play
My rich inner life never occurs in real time
It’s like a ball bouncing between very close walls
Like music, my reflections rise and fall
Uncontained by restraints
My mind races on uncontained
An eruption occurs 10 times a second
I try to check in with the present
With frequent dissent into intent
I reckon my mind’s in a rush like
A kiss and first blush, my mind
moves so fast I feel like I been running all day

Friday, February 09, 2018

Believe In The Dream


Make the dream reality
Integrity, happily love the song Valerie
Especially as sang by Amy,
There’s a fatality of sanctity 
Specificity is not the answer
Hard to stay focused, too many things to focus on 
my mind swept up in strong currents 
Some things matter more than money monarchies 
Set the sky on fire, bring souls out of mire, 
Heart is a siren beats with desire 
Tired of infighting, stir the fire of love 
Israel’s religious history is here for all mankind to find their way out of a bind  
stay on the peace grind at the center of mindfulness, 
All religion winds down to similar precepts 
my life’s seems an open book 
I say it’s written in an ancient language translated by my soul 
So stop thinking it’s so simple to define me 
A midnight blue sky filled with silver stars amidst fuchsia blossoms 
Leaves falling from dogwood trees 
A white turtle dove suddenly flew into my hand-came  from above, 
hovered a second or two 
Do you think it’s because I’m in love again?

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Making Lemonade


I got my own sour songs, my own sour wrongs,
My own damn right to sing the blues
Catch me if you can because I’m elusive conclusive

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon tree is impossible to eat
Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the lemon is impossible to eat

One day beneath the lemon tree I realized I’d been fooled from the start
Make it a point to fool myself regarding matters of the heart
Love is very pretty to see
adrenalin runs thickly through my veins
tries to convince me I cause the sour taste
so I swallow the bitter trying not to wallow in self-pity,
To regain insight without blame trying my best to believe love exists

Our great nation is at the mercy of another oppression
a rising recession a looming depression of immense proportions
like we’ve only seen once before.
I’m tired of making lemonade with so many lemons
I want to leave the bad behind, keep an open mind
I’ve come to like the taste of bitter lemons discovering its better than nothing at all
Search for direction a solution to the pollution, the destruction of humans and planet looking for a way out of the confusion, the inevitable destruction giving up human rights, praying for evolution some simple solution another revolution

In a rhapsody of blue dreams unable to define, blowing in the wind
The planets aligned provide piece of mind
a little peace of mind to help hope stay alive to dream
about fresh ground and brewed java served with a little steamed cream each morning
Sunlight steams though the window blinds provide a remnant of peace.
A world where everyone’s kind, people refuse to be blind truth dominates

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat




Saturday, December 30, 2017

WHAT’S GOING ON



Why blame me for all the pain
Credit me for all the gains you’ve had
For years and years
Credit me for fame
Who wants the blame for what you said I did
That I didn’t do
I know your name
It’s ok for you to jump in my game
  
Stop acting like we’re Cain and Abel
Or like we’re both rebels on opposite sides
In line for the same resources
I’m your friend not your enemy
Don’t confuse me,
I won’t excuse you
Don’t play this game today
My name is your name
Let’s put us in a frame
It sounds a little lame
But it’s true not contrite
We’re staying tight
Don’t give up the fight
I’m trying to keep you alive
Finally saw the light
Left behind the blight
Left me in such a fright
Really not trite
I assure you
The value of my life depends on fame, on my name, my game and gain
Spread the word
Don’t blame me for the pain
For not seeing the way you claim
To see I can’t pretend to be or see what I don’t see
I’d like to play that game sometimes, would make life a little easier and I admit I took that turn several times – went down that path knowing the truth had left me there, alone and bereft
So I try again and again
Help, help me please





Sunday, November 26, 2017

For The Thrill Of It All



Hugs and kisses, velvet wishes
Come to an end and what’s left
Change husbands, like changing an old pair of shoes for new
Like to buy a new pair of shoes
Sudden change to my heart’s colder weather
Gets cold outside, feel blue, another breakthrough
Work to get through the next day
Everyone says they’re coming through
Can’t believe what anyone says
It’s a new day and I’m
one flew over the cuckoo’s nest
Hard pressed to think I messed up again
Trying my best to stay compressed, so distressed
My heart thumps in my chest
Please God let me be Mae West
Life’s work a contest, possessed by desire to conquest
Impressed by old things finessed, dressed to kill
Live in an all frills world
Cotton candy clouds
Are worth more than riches         
And more delicious too

Death gnaws at my life
Fret at changes in this body I no longer know like I used to
No longer own
This body betrays me and does whatever it wants to do
It’s not me just a shell, like a tortoise I will shed
My body like a garden hose, thrown around and carelessly mistreated till it grows holes
Neglected, abused, torn inside out, rife with strife
Can’t get away from myself
This body ages without grace
Thoughts seclude me
Nostalgia eludes me
Randomly search inside to know this body that is mine
Life’s burrs consume me
Soul is youthful, yearns to learn, to see the unseen
Physical pains don’t belong to me, only this body I am forced to carry
It can’t all be bad - We all get old
Some of life glows with rhythm like sudden golden shimmers of a glad song
Words are the answer to my body.
Return to my roots, go slow with the flow, my words – this body begins to control what I do
I swear this body is not me and struggle to see what I
truly am made of – sugar and spice, so nice
Destiny tugs at my heart’s strings
I sing my way through the valley of my soul