Alive burning with fire consumes me
Ready freedom burns me
World full of disputes
House of ill repute
Esteem pollutes forbidden fruit
Pursuit of dreams
American happiness is not pursuit of dreams
American dream a lie, fire consumes me
Covered clotted cream, forbidden fruit
Deceit, the lie of the American dream burns me
Life in the house of ill repute
Americans drenched in disputes
Freedom from consumerism
Important to pursue the dream
Caught up in ill repute
Desires feeds disputes
Dirty hands burn me
For sale, buy my forbidden fruit
Can’t hide away forbidden fruit
Lust consumes me
Thirst so strong, it burns me
Cravings coerced, reimbursed dreams
Yearnings lead to disputes
Borne and bred of ill repute
Iraq, Beirut, wars of ill repute
Oil the biggest forbidden fruit
Observing abuse consumes me
Obliterating abuse causes disputes
Inflicting suffering drowns dreams
Blues burn me
Trickle-down abuse burns me
Weak forced to accept ill repute
Eradicates man’s right to dream
Access to achieve forbidden fruit
Denials of basic rights consume me
Animal abuse and pollution, root of many disputes
Equity and decency consume me, fear burns me
Disputes, hurt heart, search escape from ill repute
Forbidden fruits multiply wealthy; cancel out poor man’s
dreams
***
Oftentimes as editor for the TCSR, people will send me poems to ask for thoughts or advice. When I honestly point out a misspelling or misuse of word, or give an example of what could improve the poem, i.e. changing a few words around, the biggest response I get is "I don't believe in editing my poems. The poem comes out the first time the way it should be."
Well, here is the proof that it really helps to work on a poem, to edit errors, and to reconsider word usage. It makes a difference.
As you can see, in the earlier version, inadvertently I used consume twice in two lines in one stanza which led to repetition, and since this form is essentially repetitious in its form, it works better to use a different word ending for each line of each stanza.
Any thoughts fellow poets?
