Tuesday, September 24, 2013

America The Meager (sestina revised) For poets who don't believe in editing!!!



Alive burning with fire consumes me                                                               
Ready freedom burns me                                                                    
World full of disputes                                                                                     
House of ill repute                                                                                          
Esteem pollutes forbidden fruit                                                                       
Pursuit of dreams                                                                                            

American happiness is not pursuit of dreams                                                   
American dream a lie, fire consumes me                                                          
Covered clotted cream, forbidden fruit                                                                       
Deceit, the lie of the American dream burns me                                             
Life in the house of ill repute                                                                          
Americans drenched in disputes                                                                      

Freedom from consumerism                                                                            
Important to pursue the dream                                                                       
Caught up in ill repute                                                                                    
Desires feeds disputes                                                                                     
Dirty hands burn me                                                                                       
For sale, buy my forbidden fruit                                                                      

Can’t hide away forbidden fruit                                                          
Lust consumes me                                                                                          
Thirst so strong, it burns me                                                                           
Cravings coerced, reimbursed dreams                                                             
Yearnings lead to disputes                                                                               
Borne and bred of ill repute                                                                            

Iraq, Beirut, wars of ill repute                                                                         
Oil the biggest forbidden fruit                                                                        
Observing abuse consumes me                                                                        
Obliterating abuse causes disputes                                                                  
Inflicting suffering drowns dreams                                                                   
Blues burn me                                                                                                 

Trickle down abuse burns me                                                                         
Weak forced to accept ill repute                                                                     
Eradicates man’s right to dream                                                                      
Access to achieve forbidden fruit                                                                     
Denials of basic rights consumes me                                                               
Animal abuse and pollution, root of many disputes                                         

Equity and decency consume me, fear burns me                                             
Disputes, hurt heart, search escape from ill repute                                                      Forbidden fruits multiply wealthy; cancel out poor man’s dreams       


***
Oftentimes as editor for the TCSR, people will send me poems to ask for thoughts or advice. When I honestly point out a misspelling or misuse of word, or give an example of what could improve the poem, i.e. changing a few words around, the biggest response I get is "I don't believe in editing my poems. The poem comes out the first time the way it should be." 

Well, here is the proof that it really helps to work on a poem, to edit errors, and to reconsider word usage. It makes a difference. 

As you can see, in the earlier version, inadvertently I used consume twice in two lines in one stanza which led to repetition, and since this form is essentially repetitious in its form, it works better to use a different word ending for each line of each stanza. 

Any thoughts fellow poets?