In Mourning ...

Felix died, the son of my father and my ex-husband. No one told us. No one called. We don't know where his body is buried.

Saturday I performed at the Morris Jumel Mansion with Dubblex and Demetrius Daniels. My son called me. An old friend called him to report his father had died. I spent the rest of the day in prayer and solitude, some of it with my son. We lit a candle and spoke about him, recounting memories. My son told me how when he was about 6 years old, his father visited him at my father's apartment. I was in school. My dad was in the kitchen and he noticed things had gotten very quiet so he went to see why. Joey was taking apart the TV and removing things while Felix sat laughing and smiling. That would be him.

Joey was good at that. I remember once when he was about 9 or 10 months old I had a shoelace that I used for my keys. I quadrupled the string, put my keys in the loop and tied a double knot at the end. It was tight too. I had no clue how he did it but I had been in the kitchen making dinner and when I came out Joey had the string and was retying it the same way it had been with the keys. I kept the string and still have it in my drawer till this day. I couldn't bear to throw it out.

We talked about Felix's craziness and retold old stories about him sitting at my kitchen table watching the candle slowly burn down. Strange that he died directly after Yom Kipper ended. Over the last year I often thought I'd see him soon. I'd been thinking about it for the past year a lot. It's not easy to find him though. Felix owns land in several places and he travels around the island visiting different people. Felix has no house either. Last time we went to see him, we had to call several people in his family before he heard we were there and  came to us. It took 2 days to make contact. After we found him we drove for 2 hours and left the rental when the road ended. Then we got out and hiked for over 2 1/2 hours. We finally made it to a little one room wooden shack nestled in the woods. It was small and basically one room. There was a table and 2 chairs and wooden shelves. It was very neat and clean. I could see a bed in the back with a dresser. That's all there was. Felix said he had a few places like this. I wrote a poem back in 97 about this visit after we returned home.

link to the poem:

Now the opportunity to ever see him again has passed for my son and I. I had hoped to see him before I die. I have to accept I'll never see him again in life. I miss him knowing he's no longer on the planet.

Joey less than 24 hours old.

Above in Santo Domingo City sitting in a park.

Felix's beautiful Mom, Carmen.

 Felix's mom's house. Eduardo, his mom, Dad and Sister Dolores with me.

 Beautiful house.

Nena's farm

Felix was handsome ...

Beautiful hair ... beautiful body

Felix, like me, loved cats too. We took this cat to Santo Domingo with us on a visit. Felix wanted me to see his aunt's farm so we left Frisky with his mom. When we returned to his mom's house she greeted us crying. She told us a jealous neighbor fed Frisky poisoned meat.

 These photos were taken in a rented house in Hackensack, Minnesota, where Joey was born. The photo above he is one month old. The one below he is 3 months old and already standing. Look at his proud father!

On his aunt Nena's farm. That's me, always finding stray animals.

Lost Love

Ain’t no sun up in my sky today

Rain keeps falling on my head

I got the blues so bad I’m dancing with fire
in the hell of night

Promises and dreams not in sight

No delight in life

a bout in myself in an endless fight

in a world where nothing’s right

no sun up in my sky too down to cry

waiting on motivation that doesn’t come

I lay awake waiting for my lover to come on home

Frustrations growing
waiting on my lover makes me quirky that way

Comes sneaking through the bedroom door in the dead of night

The bed bathed in moonlight

Soft red hair brushes against my shoulder

Our promises of together forever have grown older

Each day finds us colder

As she lies down beside me

My eyes closed pretending I’m asleep

I awake to an empty bed

With words left unsaid

sadness that never ends

Never thought we’d end that way

Rain tapping on the window pane

left me on a rainy day

She called later that day said someone was waiting on her

someone easier to take, someone older more mature

someone who knew who knew how to play the game of love

standing in the rain left lonesome each day hoping the rain will go away

my tears blending with the rain

sun’s gone away and rains keep coming everyday

Got to go sometime...

Death hits on the fritz, at my wit’s end,

Same way we’re birthed same way death bangs on the door

In a fleeting solitary moment gone in a blitz

A spin on humanity why we enjoy comedy folklore

Right next door, death knocked on the door

I hear the wife’s wails late that night way past midnight

I let myself in and sat for a while, the police were still there

He lay down after dinner, about 5 p.m., said he needed a nap

And in a snap he was gone gone, gone! Gone baby gone

Early that same morning I heard him vacuuming as I

watched the sun rise against a pink damask sky

No choice when death comes uninvited banging down our door

Write or wrong we’re in this together son

I’m my brother’s keeper but not for long

I see his son Luis is despondent

I say, “I’m sorry for your loss Luis."

He responds, “My father did all that he could to stay healthy,

He kept a good routine, ate breakfast at 5 a.m

went to the Big Gym everyday to lift weights at 6 a.m.,

Everyday he ate dinner at 4 p.m., good healthy food too,

rice and beans, aguacate and Mama made him steak everyday

all that he did and what good did it do him, he’s still dead

all that hard work for nothing.”

Luis has learned a new lesson

A sudden burst of knowledge

Death stalks us all

If you believe in an afterlife or not

I’ll come see you at 3 a.m. night after next

Stomp 3 times and you’ll smell me

There at your side ready at the crack of a whip

Bam your time’s up now son ready or not

There you go and the people who love us are left behind wailing

Wailing for those who left us behind

Wailing for those who left us behind

Death hits the spot, ready or not.

It’s ok I said, I've been there too

I understand where you’re coming from

Just show me the dotted line and

I’ll be ready to sign

I promise I’ll make no demands

For alimony or child support

My life’s worth more than you could ever pay

The gun trained on my face

I heard the click

And saw him pull the trigger back

Imagine the surprise on his face when we

Still stood eye to eye 

the bullet jammed in the chamber

My life handed to me on a silver 

platter that day, I understand now

But for the mercy of God 

I’d be dead not only broke

Lucky not to succumb to a bullet that day

I said, “Show me that dotted line 

I know when it’s time to sign and give in

Because I’ll never get nothing from you 

except a hard way to go

You never liked sharing anyway 

so I’m glad to let you know

I’m glad to see you go

I want you to know 

I’m glad you know 

I don’t need you to have my own

I had my own before you were born

no - please don’t interrupt," I said

holding up my open palm,

"You misunderstand.

I said it's ok. Go with your government job 

and all your big benefits.

It’s ok if you refuse to share.

I swear I don’t care. 

I’ll sign it all away to you

as long as you let me go my own way.

I'll sign that dotted line, 

I swear I will!

I’m not giving in to death yet – 

it’s premature to date.

Please don’t make me 

leave my son motherless

Hand me a pen 

I’m willing ready and able to bend

I’ll sign on that dotted line

I absolve you from all your future debts to me

Please let me go by the grace of God

Thank God I’m not dead 

Here I go, I got a pen in my hand 

I’m ready to sign on that dotted line.”

The surprise registered in your lifted brows

as you pulled the trigger

and stared me dead in the eye

no remorse for what you planned to do

"An eye for an eye," you quoted,

"So bang you’re dead, gone in the wink 

of an eye," and you winked at me.

We thought it was for one last time.

Certainly for me I thought this is the last wink I’ll ever see.

Pulled the trigger in the blink of an eye

A gleeful smile on your “no mercy for the bitch face”

A New York City minute changes life

when you saw no bullet had emerged from the chamber

no bullet came clambering through 

no bullet went through me and 

by the mercy of God I still stand here before thee

So let me be me and I’ll allow you to be free of me

Free from all my demands you could no longer stand 

that made you be so cruel to me

Now I’m ready to sign on the dotted line as long as you’ll let me be

Yes I’m ready to sing there’s a song in my heart

Glory Hallelujah I'm so glad I survived

I'm so blessed to be alive

money ain’t mean nothing to me I’ll give it all up to stay alive

I got a song in my heart so glad to be alive