What’s wrong with me?

I only want to read about misery spite hate crime. I never wanted to read about rabbits talking to badgers. Why would I want to read about that since all I ever lived were crimes and passions, the wrong way to live.
That’s me! Always in the wrong place at the wrong time even born the wrong side of the track.
I’m always wrong. What’s wrong with me? Everything’s so god damned hard and for once why can’t I have it easy. Is it wrong to ask to expect for once in a fucking moon something good and unexpected - for something fortuitous to happen.
I guess that’s why I don’t want to read about happy bears. I hate fantasy creatures and animated films. I can’t relate to talking to happy bears or some other creatures. It’s lonely out here. What’s a sister got to do to help you understand her?
It’s hard out here. Maybe it’s hard out here for you too, down on your luck or things got you down or you’re tired of fighting about or for things that shouldn’t need fighting for. So am I when you get down to it.
But a sister’s gotta do what a sister’s gotta do to survive; you know what I mean.
A sister’s gotta survive never consider suicide it’s not an option
because a sister knows that there are others just like her who have been through more than her too. A sister has got to survive to show others it can be done and then teach them how to survive too. It doesn’t matter how much you hate this system you gotta learn to fight your way through it to survive. Even if you’re not in some perfect god damned family I once imagined existed before I turned my mind away from fantasy of nice stories about nice people and preferred to expose myself to books about mind mystery and crime.
Sister let me show you your way through this torrent of events, cause a sister’s gotta survive. Our children need raising. It would be worse without you there. God forbid my children grow up like I did. A child’s not meant to see all the things I saw by choice cause I’m a Buddhist or by coincidence, who knows? – All depends on your view of it, your belief system. You can win some but you can’t win them all.
A vivid memory captures me walking across Columbia’s campus in a driving icy winter rain with some crazy heavy set woman pushing a wagon full of books. She sat near me in class and one day invited me to a campus movie and I came so I felt the least I could do to repay her would be to walk her slow pace in that horrid rain.
“Where you headed,” she conversed, “to your next class or where?”
The wind whipped my face.
“I’m going to Lewisohn Hall like you are.”
“Oh,” she said, I’ve never seen you there before.”
“Likewise,” I replied. I’ve never seen you there before either.”
“So where are you going?”
“To drop off papers for financial aid.”
“What the fuck,” she said, “I’m a nurse and I gotta save my money and pay my way through here and I come here and then I’m paying for you too - you getting money to come here and I have to pay my own way.”
I opened my mouth but instead walked away. I pretended she didn’t exist though she was in my class. It was as though I had stuck her in a glass jar and covered the top with a net so she could breathe but not bother me. I could pay attention or not. She couldn't hurt me anymore. I was just glad I didn’t have to pretend to be her friend again and walk slow with her in another downpour.
Poor woman! What made her so hateful so unwilling to see -so hurtful? Didn’t she see that what happened to me can can happen to anyone?
Hmm, I guess she must have her own misery.
Don’t we all?

I taught I taw a puddy cat

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FRIEND’S INFATUATION

Hands on her hips she tested me, “Don’t tell me you didn’t know he was watching you.”

“No,” I replied, how would I know? It’s not like I walk around room to room with a guide telling me there’s a spy nearby.
“No, No, I really didn’t know.” I shook my head vigorously emphasizing the obvious.

“Oh man girlfriend, don’t ya’ know? It’s like they selling tickets there- say you freaky and all.”

F R E A K Y – YOU GOT ME GIRL THAT’S WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT YOU.

“Wow no, I never suspected anyone of watching me with binoculars from a nearby rooftop – no I suppose it never occurred to me I never assumed that men were hiding lying down on a nearby rooftop to spy on me on the off chance that if they’re there at a particular time when I happen to stroll by naked they lie there waiting with binoculars in a trance like an audience, hmm no I honestly never considered this ... “

“I don’t believe you,” she said.

“OK,” I said “Don’t believe me, it’s still true anyway whether you believe me or not. I don’t care what you say; I don’t need your approval. It’s not like you’re my best friend either and since your boyfriend dumped you; you hang around me all day flirting and smoking pot with my bf . Now you pretend you’re my friend - bring this news that you’re on list of a few people who buy tickets on a nearby rooftop to catch a glimpse of me naked.
If these people are your friends I wonder why you’re here when you already saw what you came for. What do you want?”

“I want you to hang non see through blinds on each window,” she said.

“Oh OK you’re looking out for me, you’re my friend. Why don’t you hang those shades then, I’ll buy them - you hang ‘em.”

“Me, come’on! I don’t know shit about hanging shades.”

“Neither do I missy but I’ll go getta’ hammer and nails and hang a dark blanket. It’s always about money. Either I get a new blanket or shades. Blanket’s cheaper but they got you either way.

Now tell me Patricia, just one last time, did you buy a ticket to see me too? Tell me the truth Ewww, Patricia! Yuk! Why’d you wanna do’dat?”

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know

Don’t know who knows don’t know anyone who does believe me I don’t understand

Bellevue Blues Better Than Never Before

Bellevue’s changed from back in the day

The nurse took one look,

her eyes met his

You’re sedated she said

And over medicated

What do you mean he asked

I’m on prescribed meds I’ve been using them for about a year

I just got discharged from Beth Israel Psyche Ward and they gave me all these scripts but I can’t get them filled cause they cut off my coverage

These are my meds, he displayed his scripts; I have to get them filled

young man she stated we don’t just give out drugs like that

Her hand rested on her hip

She wore pressed white cotton trousers

Held a clipboard in her hand

She examined the prescriptions one by one

I get 30 capsules of Cymbalta he said it will cost 145 at drugstore.com and I’m not sure that’s not the generic one either then there’s this Canadian pharmacy sells the generic duloxetine (du LOX e teen) for seventy-three dollars and I live on social security disability I can’t afford all this money I need my drugs - I’m down on my luck waiting for disability retirement insurance to kick in because I really need these medications you see

It’s up to you sweetie she slid the clipboard in his hands, here are some forms to fill out

We have procedures we follow around here - just follow me sir

she led him to a separate room to see the social worker; be interviewed

The social worker politely informed him,

You can’t just fill prescriptions here; we have a clinic you have to attend regularly we don’t just hand out medications we’re responsible for your care and well being too

The patient explained Geodon keeps the hallucinations at bay

Lamogine’s for the bipolar moodswings

Cymbalta along with Mirtazapine works excellently for depression

And helps to control the suicidal ideation

I play chess for 20 hours sometimes I forget to bathe or eat

The Ambien’s to go to sleep - the Klonopin’s to stay calm

I suffer from anxiety and insomnia

Sometimes I take all of them and still can’t sleep

Without them I go manic

It’s just no fun never being allowed a really good night’s sleep

I attend a mental health center

They have doctors nurses therapists even social workers but they don’t have a pharmacy

Well the nurse said it’s up to you it’s either us or them - you have to choose, we give you a month’s supply when you come in each month and there’s no extra charge

you have to make up your mind - let me assure you we excel at treating mental illness

we have the best of everything here that they have there or anywhere else

after all it’s our specialty it always has been

plus we even have a bed ready for you, she smiled sweetly and walked away

He filled out another form and waited once more for his name to be called.

Note: Bellevue Hospital is in New York City's lower Manhattan area. Bellevue opened its first “pavilion for the insane” in 1879 and its first alcoholic ward in 1892. Bellevue Hospital has been famous since then for its mental health services.

Do me right tonight

The pale dawn light shined on his face
I could tell he wasn’t well trapped in his personal hell
Unable to pick himself up like a child who fell
Once too many times running on rhymes
a psychopathic rant
A flaming fuchsia elephant invades my living space
Parades by with a sycophant riding him
While a hierophant stands nearby
reciting Buddhist mantras nam myōhō renge kyō,
Before my eyes behold
a white marble palace
studded with gold and quietly buried
suddenly
beneath black sands of time
He begs admission to another sanatorium
a different mausoleum where the dead struggle
with the living over words written on winds
only ghosts can decipher
coming back to attack they deny the facts
fraught with desire the world’s run amok
a phantasmagoric a little white magic moonlight
dripping ice laden branches will do me
just right tonight poppy

I need

a massage, don't you need one too?

How can you go wrong with this half price deal paying $36.50. I'm treating myself for the holiday.

HOLIDAY CELEBRATION – a Libation

I keep trying to tread water in quicksand sinking faster in disgrace in the face of disaster
Life is a carousel of dreams
The famous radio therapist armond demille wrote me his words linger in my head ~you’re on a carousel of pain - allow me to help you
as a fellow therapist with professional courtesy due you, I’ll charge you only three hundred a session, a concession in my normal fees, I’ll cure you of your anomaly, your obsessions, give me your confession sacrifice your worldly possessions give up your attachments there’ll be no regression, I’m so darn good at my profession – no more transgressions no more depression
no more digression back to the blues tonight
I can’t be perfect I can only be me

A man stops me in Target all smiles, makes eye contact, nods.
merry Christmas to you. I say I don’t celebrate Christmas, you’re smiling so much why are you so happy?
Ah I’m happy to be with family at Christmas. u must celebrate something too what r u
I don’t know what I am Call me Jewish Buddhist if you want –
You look so happy too he says. Looks are deceiving I replied. You joke  with me you’re happy he said I see your big happy smile really I said I’m always blue no no that can't be true
I don’t know how to limit myself to one religion
Dubblex is confused they always pick you – why your pretty face in a store full of women- there are so many women around why do they always come to u - he accused
Innocent claim to  fame devious name your goals

The “all religion” ~ old religion
all religions are one – the word shall be one shall be done in heart space mind prevails so many travails hate to fail no bailing out I wail in my own jail hit the nail on the head
the world shall be one
one one one (((((((((oneoneoneoneoneoneone))))))) the one and one Irie
lightening and thunder
one nation under god indivisible with liberty and justice for all
one people united by love with peace and justice for all
I want the world on a string to spin in my my my my my my heart’s spin in a gleam with a ream of justice in economy for all full of bull
A wedding ring an office slur poetry in the afterlife
nose too big stomach too flabby
It’s inflatable unpredictable accounts payable receivable I’m not accountable for your bills my assets are not bequeathable retractable to your psycho babble circumscribable to your collectable circumstancial financials I’m familiar with the details

Fastidious and obsessive compulsive a hidden insidious agenda oblivious to the truth
I keep up with doctor ruth who lives in my hood
Embracing brotherhood understood under the fresh scent of cedarwood tree
The world will imbibe truth like a newborn with a new milk tooth
forsooth my youth I search like a sleuth
for the word shall be the truth
and the truth will set me free

bookstore

bookstore

Dangerous Ideals

The blues were pure enough to drink
Gallons of oil spilled and wasted
A huge delinquent samurai beguiled
My concentration wavered on the brink

A gallant giant waved wild red roses
At us with thorns that bruised our souls when we walked
Surrounded by danger on the edge of another impending disaster
We dreamed about leaving the trenches

Behind us the giant raged on the wrong balcony
And we ran for the safety of our huts
Escaping the blue monsoon that threatened us
Trying to recover the boundary

Wild thorns overgrown with mastery
They twisted and turned in our feet
Pouring our anguished blood in the street
Our images were replicated on the overhead marquee

That stood above the swaying balcony where disaster flowed for free
Searching through bleary concepts treading on blueberries
We rubbed rose petals on our wounded feet
Looking for the answers to the giant’s deceit

The rose petals grew as we touched them
As if ideas could grumble through a storm
the petals grew huge suddenly engulfing our feet
when we realized each rose had lost her stem

And the gentle giant raged no more
He had been beyond reproach
showing us a bloody brochure of what happened
threescore and seventeen years ago

Glumness is getting old as we sit drearily
Fixated on who outfoxed who
While a rainbow of cheery color
Runs parallel a bloody river numbly



for Elizabeth Bishop