of a newly read and cherished book knowing I’ll never return to it. A few words linger wistfully and repeat themselves to me over and over to make certain I don’t lose them. Indeed the words are like life; the pages pass faster and faster through time encompassing new and old worlds combined. I write words down words to make certain special ones don't get lost.
One word creates a new life a different strife, new strides, we learn new words or add definitions behave the same way or maybe a new way depending on who we want to be. Being ambitious, I learn circuitous new routes to change responses to a previously treasured keepsake or periodically purge and start anew.
After a while special feelings aren’t the same any more like a dying lusty love replaced by loyal love maybe or discarded like an overused garment or tired thought. The misplaced trust the stupid puppy dog crushes you can’t recover from all provoked and created through words processed in our brains.
The heat is coming up through the pipes, smelly strange odor. An old lady complains they don’t give enough heat. It’s too much but what’s the use of complaining? Just put on another bed jacket or robe.
No one’s listening again. Another Egypt’s on its way everywhere, started here civilization’s bed. Now there’s a new ruckus up there and it’s the same everywhere, right here in hometown USA. Same bullshit and taxes, fucked up welfare benefits everywhere. Now they’re trying to declare it unconstitutional to jail those who don’t buy obamacare. Damn a mother would buy it if she could unless she’s an addict and gave up. Give healthcare!
All about the money while we abuse the planet when everyone knows there’s better options. The people selling us gas electricity oil and gas – now we’re talking big money big political friends and if you’re in with their ways you gotta be in like Flynn unless if you’re crippled Roosevelt who did better than any recent shmuck except Johnson.
A rant could be a way outta here. Just a little more please for the poor and worthy, please, a little more for mothers and children, please a little more for us worker bees trying to stay strong straight and narrow for our children.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Thursday, February 03, 2011
What’s wrong with me?
I only want to read about misery spite hate crime. I never wanted to read about rabbits talking to badgers. Why would I want to read about that since all I ever lived were crimes and passions, the wrong way to live.
That’s me! Always in the wrong place at the wrong time even born the wrong side of the track.
I’m always wrong. What’s wrong with me? Everything’s so god damned hard and for once why can’t I have it easy. Is it wrong to ask to expect for once in a fucking moon something good and unexpected - for something fortuitous to happen.
I guess that’s why I don’t want to read about happy bears. I hate fantasy creatures and animated films. I can’t relate to talking to happy bears or some other creatures. It’s lonely out here. What’s a sister got to do to help you understand her?
It’s hard out here. Maybe it’s hard out here for you too, down on your luck or things got you down or you’re tired of fighting about or for things that shouldn’t need fighting for. So am I when you get down to it.
But a sister’s gotta do what a sister’s gotta do to survive; you know what I mean.
A sister’s gotta survive never consider suicide it’s not an option
because a sister knows that there are others just like her who have been through more than her too. A sister has got to survive to show others it can be done and then teach them how to survive too. It doesn’t matter how much you hate this system you gotta learn to fight your way through it to survive. Even if you’re not in some perfect god damned family I once imagined existed before I turned my mind away from fantasy of nice stories about nice people and preferred to expose myself to books about mind mystery and crime.
Sister let me show you your way through this torrent of events, cause a sister’s gotta survive. Our children need raising. It would be worse without you there. God forbid my children grow up like I did. A child’s not meant to see all the things I saw by choice cause I’m a Buddhist or by coincidence, who knows? – All depends on your view of it, your belief system. You can win some but you can’t win them all.
A vivid memory captures me walking across Columbia’s campus in a driving icy winter rain with some crazy heavy set woman pushing a wagon full of books. She sat near me in class and one day invited me to a campus movie and I came so I felt the least I could do to repay her would be to walk her slow pace in that horrid rain.
“Where you headed,” she conversed, “to your next class or where?”
The wind whipped my face.
“I’m going to Lewisohn Hall like you are.”
“Oh,” she said, I’ve never seen you there before.”
“Likewise,” I replied. I’ve never seen you there before either.”
“So where are you going?”
“To drop off papers for financial aid.”
“What the fuck,” she said, “I’m a nurse and I gotta save my money and pay my way through here and I come here and then I’m paying for you too - you getting money to come here and I have to pay my own way.”
I opened my mouth but instead walked away. I pretended she didn’t exist though she was in my class. It was as though I had stuck her in a glass jar and covered the top with a net so she could breathe but not bother me. I could pay attention or not. She couldn't hurt me anymore. I was just glad I didn’t have to pretend to be her friend again and walk slow with her in another downpour.
Poor woman! What made her so hateful so unwilling to see -so hurtful? Didn’t she see that what happened to me can can happen to anyone?
Hmm, I guess she must have her own misery.
Don’t we all?
That’s me! Always in the wrong place at the wrong time even born the wrong side of the track.
I’m always wrong. What’s wrong with me? Everything’s so god damned hard and for once why can’t I have it easy. Is it wrong to ask to expect for once in a fucking moon something good and unexpected - for something fortuitous to happen.
I guess that’s why I don’t want to read about happy bears. I hate fantasy creatures and animated films. I can’t relate to talking to happy bears or some other creatures. It’s lonely out here. What’s a sister got to do to help you understand her?
It’s hard out here. Maybe it’s hard out here for you too, down on your luck or things got you down or you’re tired of fighting about or for things that shouldn’t need fighting for. So am I when you get down to it.
But a sister’s gotta do what a sister’s gotta do to survive; you know what I mean.
A sister’s gotta survive never consider suicide it’s not an option
because a sister knows that there are others just like her who have been through more than her too. A sister has got to survive to show others it can be done and then teach them how to survive too. It doesn’t matter how much you hate this system you gotta learn to fight your way through it to survive. Even if you’re not in some perfect god damned family I once imagined existed before I turned my mind away from fantasy of nice stories about nice people and preferred to expose myself to books about mind mystery and crime.
Sister let me show you your way through this torrent of events, cause a sister’s gotta survive. Our children need raising. It would be worse without you there. God forbid my children grow up like I did. A child’s not meant to see all the things I saw by choice cause I’m a Buddhist or by coincidence, who knows? – All depends on your view of it, your belief system. You can win some but you can’t win them all.
A vivid memory captures me walking across Columbia’s campus in a driving icy winter rain with some crazy heavy set woman pushing a wagon full of books. She sat near me in class and one day invited me to a campus movie and I came so I felt the least I could do to repay her would be to walk her slow pace in that horrid rain.
“Where you headed,” she conversed, “to your next class or where?”
The wind whipped my face.
“I’m going to Lewisohn Hall like you are.”
“Oh,” she said, I’ve never seen you there before.”
“Likewise,” I replied. I’ve never seen you there before either.”
“So where are you going?”
“To drop off papers for financial aid.”
“What the fuck,” she said, “I’m a nurse and I gotta save my money and pay my way through here and I come here and then I’m paying for you too - you getting money to come here and I have to pay my own way.”
I opened my mouth but instead walked away. I pretended she didn’t exist though she was in my class. It was as though I had stuck her in a glass jar and covered the top with a net so she could breathe but not bother me. I could pay attention or not. She couldn't hurt me anymore. I was just glad I didn’t have to pretend to be her friend again and walk slow with her in another downpour.
Poor woman! What made her so hateful so unwilling to see -so hurtful? Didn’t she see that what happened to me can can happen to anyone?
Hmm, I guess she must have her own misery.
Don’t we all?
Monday, January 24, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Another blogging award!
Award By: Blog Directory - Top Blogs
Below is the letter I received:
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Your blog was chosen by our webmasters, to honor your hard work and dedication in providing a quality web log.
Requirements:
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Now the wonderful thing here is everyone can submit their blog here to the same above directory to increase your blog traffic too.
A little gift for those of you wanting to read short stories - onlineclasses.org just published "The 50 Best Short Stories of All Time" and you can find the article here.
A little gift for those of you wanting to read short stories - onlineclasses.org just published "The 50 Best Short Stories of All Time" and you can find the article here.
Sunday, January 09, 2011
FRIEND’S INFATUATION
Hands on her hips she tested me, “Don’t tell me you didn’t know he was watching you.”
“No,” I replied, how would I know? It’s not like I walk around room to room with a guide telling me there’s a spy nearby.
“No, No, I really didn’t know.” I shook my head vigorously emphasizing the obvious.
“Oh man girlfriend, don’t ya’ know? It’s like they selling tickets there- say you freaky and all.”
F R E A K Y – YOU GOT ME GIRL THAT’S WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT YOU.
“Wow no, I never suspected anyone of watching me with binoculars from a nearby rooftop – no I suppose it never occurred to me I never assumed that men were hiding lying down on a nearby rooftop to spy on me on the off chance that if they’re there at a particular time when I happen to stroll by naked they lie there waiting with binoculars in a trance like an audience, hmm no I honestly never considered this ... “
“I don’t believe you,” she said.
“OK,” I said “Don’t believe me, it’s still true anyway whether you believe me or not. I don’t care what you say; I don’t need your approval. It’s not like you’re my best friend either and since your boyfriend dumped you; you hang around me all day flirting and smoking pot with my bf . Now you pretend you’re my friend - bring this news that you’re on list of a few people who buy tickets on a nearby rooftop to catch a glimpse of me naked.
If these people are your friends I wonder why you’re here when you already saw what you came for. What do you want?”
“I want you to hang non see through blinds on each window,” she said.
“Oh OK you’re looking out for me, you’re my friend. Why don’t you hang those shades then, I’ll buy them - you hang ‘em.”
“Me, come’on! I don’t know shit about hanging shades.”
“Neither do I missy but I’ll go getta’ hammer and nails and hang a dark blanket. It’s always about money. Either I get a new blanket or shades. Blanket’s cheaper but they got you either way.
Now tell me Patricia, just one last time, did you buy a ticket to see me too? Tell me the truth Ewww, Patricia! Yuk! Why’d you wanna do’dat?”
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know
Don’t know who knows don’t know anyone who does believe me I don’t understand
“No,” I replied, how would I know? It’s not like I walk around room to room with a guide telling me there’s a spy nearby.
“No, No, I really didn’t know.” I shook my head vigorously emphasizing the obvious.
“Oh man girlfriend, don’t ya’ know? It’s like they selling tickets there- say you freaky and all.”
F R E A K Y – YOU GOT ME GIRL THAT’S WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT YOU.
“Wow no, I never suspected anyone of watching me with binoculars from a nearby rooftop – no I suppose it never occurred to me I never assumed that men were hiding lying down on a nearby rooftop to spy on me on the off chance that if they’re there at a particular time when I happen to stroll by naked they lie there waiting with binoculars in a trance like an audience, hmm no I honestly never considered this ... “
“I don’t believe you,” she said.
“OK,” I said “Don’t believe me, it’s still true anyway whether you believe me or not. I don’t care what you say; I don’t need your approval. It’s not like you’re my best friend either and since your boyfriend dumped you; you hang around me all day flirting and smoking pot with my bf . Now you pretend you’re my friend - bring this news that you’re on list of a few people who buy tickets on a nearby rooftop to catch a glimpse of me naked.
If these people are your friends I wonder why you’re here when you already saw what you came for. What do you want?”
“I want you to hang non see through blinds on each window,” she said.
“Oh OK you’re looking out for me, you’re my friend. Why don’t you hang those shades then, I’ll buy them - you hang ‘em.”
“Me, come’on! I don’t know shit about hanging shades.”
“Neither do I missy but I’ll go getta’ hammer and nails and hang a dark blanket. It’s always about money. Either I get a new blanket or shades. Blanket’s cheaper but they got you either way.
Now tell me Patricia, just one last time, did you buy a ticket to see me too? Tell me the truth Ewww, Patricia! Yuk! Why’d you wanna do’dat?”
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know
Don’t know who knows don’t know anyone who does believe me I don’t understand
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Bellevue Blues Better Than Never Before
Bellevue’s changed from back in the day
The nurse took one look,
her eyes met his
You’re sedated she said
And over medicated
What do you mean he asked
I’m on prescribed meds I’ve been using them for about a year
I just got discharged from Beth Israel Psyche Ward and they gave me all these scripts but I can’t get them filled cause they cut off my coverage
These are my meds, he displayed his scripts; I have to get them filled
young man she stated we don’t just give out drugs like that
Her hand rested on her hip
She wore pressed white cotton trousers
Held a clipboard in her hand
She examined the prescriptions one by one
I get 30 capsules of Cymbalta he said it will cost 145 at drugstore.com and I’m not sure that’s not the generic one either then there’s this Canadian pharmacy sells the generic duloxetine (du LOX e teen) for seventy-three dollars and I live on social security disability I can’t afford all this money I need my drugs - I’m down on my luck waiting for disability retirement insurance to kick in because I really need these medications you see
It’s up to you sweetie she slid the clipboard in his hands, here are some forms to fill out
We have procedures we follow around here - just follow me sir
she led him to a separate room to see the social worker; be interviewed
The social worker politely informed him,
You can’t just fill prescriptions here; we have a clinic you have to attend regularly we don’t just hand out medications we’re responsible for your care and well being too
The patient explained Geodon keeps the hallucinations at bay
Lamogine’s for the bipolar moodswings
Cymbalta along with Mirtazapine works excellently for depression
And helps to control the suicidal ideation
I play chess for 20 hours sometimes I forget to bathe or eat
The Ambien’s to go to sleep - the Klonopin’s to stay calm
I suffer from anxiety and insomnia
Sometimes I take all of them and still can’t sleep
Without them I go manic
It’s just no fun never being allowed a really good night’s sleep
I attend a mental health center
They have doctors nurses therapists even social workers but they don’t have a pharmacy
Well the nurse said it’s up to you it’s either us or them - you have to choose, we give you a month’s supply when you come in each month and there’s no extra charge
you have to make up your mind - let me assure you we excel at treating mental illness
we have the best of everything here that they have there or anywhere else
after all it’s our specialty it always has been
plus we even have a bed ready for you, she smiled sweetly and walked away
He filled out another form and waited once more for his name to be called.
Note: Bellevue Hospital is in New York City's lower Manhattan area. Bellevue opened its first “pavilion for the insane” in 1879 and its first alcoholic ward in 1892. Bellevue Hospital has been famous since then for its mental health services.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Do me right tonight
The pale dawn light shined on his face
I could tell he wasn’t well trapped in his personal hell
Unable to pick himself up like a child who fell
Once too many times running on rhymes
a psychopathic rant
A flaming fuchsia elephant invades my living space
Parades by with a sycophant riding him
While a hierophant stands nearby
reciting Buddhist mantras nam myōhō renge kyō,
Before my eyes behold
a white marble palace
studded with gold and quietly buried
suddenly
beneath black sands of time
He begs admission to another sanatorium
a different mausoleum where the dead struggle
with the living over words written on winds
only ghosts can decipher
coming back to attack they deny the facts
fraught with desire the world’s run amok
a phantasmagoric a little white magic moonlight
dripping ice laden branches will do me
just right tonight poppy
I could tell he wasn’t well trapped in his personal hell
Unable to pick himself up like a child who fell
Once too many times running on rhymes
a psychopathic rant
A flaming fuchsia elephant invades my living space
Parades by with a sycophant riding him
While a hierophant stands nearby
reciting Buddhist mantras nam myōhō renge kyō,
Before my eyes behold
a white marble palace
studded with gold and quietly buried
suddenly
beneath black sands of time
He begs admission to another sanatorium
a different mausoleum where the dead struggle
with the living over words written on winds
only ghosts can decipher
coming back to attack they deny the facts
fraught with desire the world’s run amok
a phantasmagoric a little white magic moonlight
dripping ice laden branches will do me
just right tonight poppy
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
HOLIDAY CELEBRATION – a Libation
I keep trying to tread water in quicksand sinking faster in disgrace in the face of disaster
Life is a carousel of dreams
The famous radio therapist armond demille wrote me his words linger in my head ~you’re on a carousel of pain - allow me to help you
as a fellow therapist with professional courtesy due you, I’ll charge you only three hundred a session, a concession in my normal fees, I’ll cure you of your anomaly, your obsessions, give me your confession sacrifice your worldly possessions give up your attachments there’ll be no regression, I’m so darn good at my profession – no more transgressions no more depression
no more digression back to the blues tonight
I can’t be perfect I can only be me
A man stops me in Target all smiles, makes eye contact, nods.
merry Christmas to you. I say I don’t celebrate Christmas, you’re smiling so much why are you so happy?
Ah I’m happy to be with family at Christmas. u must celebrate something too what r u
I don’t know what I am Call me Jewish Buddhist if you want –
You look so happy too he says. Looks are deceiving I replied. You joke with me you’re happy he said I see your big happy smile really I said I’m always blue no no that can't be true
I don’t know how to limit myself to one religion
Dubblex is confused they always pick you – why your pretty face in a store full of women- there are so many women around why do they always come to u - he accused
Innocent claim to fame devious name your goals
The “all religion” ~ old religion
all religions are one – the word shall be one shall be done in heart space mind prevails so many travails hate to fail no bailing out I wail in my own jail hit the nail on the head
the world shall be one
one one one (((((((((oneoneoneoneoneoneone))))))) the one and one Irie
lightening and thunder
one nation under god indivisible with liberty and justice for all
one people united by love with peace and justice for all
I want the world on a string to spin in my my my my my my heart’s spin in a gleam with a ream of justice in economy for all full of bull
A wedding ring an office slur poetry in the afterlife
nose too big stomach too flabby
It’s inflatable unpredictable accounts payable receivable I’m not accountable for your bills my assets are not bequeathable retractable to your psycho babble circumscribable to your collectable circumstancial financials I’m familiar with the details
Fastidious and obsessive compulsive a hidden insidious agenda oblivious to the truth
I keep up with doctor ruth who lives in my hood
Embracing brotherhood understood under the fresh scent of cedarwood tree
The world will imbibe truth like a newborn with a new milk tooth
forsooth my youth I search like a sleuth
for the word shall be the truth
and the truth will set me free
Life is a carousel of dreams
The famous radio therapist armond demille wrote me his words linger in my head ~you’re on a carousel of pain - allow me to help you
as a fellow therapist with professional courtesy due you, I’ll charge you only three hundred a session, a concession in my normal fees, I’ll cure you of your anomaly, your obsessions, give me your confession sacrifice your worldly possessions give up your attachments there’ll be no regression, I’m so darn good at my profession – no more transgressions no more depression
no more digression back to the blues tonight
I can’t be perfect I can only be me
A man stops me in Target all smiles, makes eye contact, nods.
merry Christmas to you. I say I don’t celebrate Christmas, you’re smiling so much why are you so happy?
Ah I’m happy to be with family at Christmas. u must celebrate something too what r u
I don’t know what I am Call me Jewish Buddhist if you want –
You look so happy too he says. Looks are deceiving I replied. You joke with me you’re happy he said I see your big happy smile really I said I’m always blue no no that can't be true
I don’t know how to limit myself to one religion
Dubblex is confused they always pick you – why your pretty face in a store full of women- there are so many women around why do they always come to u - he accused
Innocent claim to fame devious name your goals
The “all religion” ~ old religion
all religions are one – the word shall be one shall be done in heart space mind prevails so many travails hate to fail no bailing out I wail in my own jail hit the nail on the head
the world shall be one
one one one (((((((((oneoneoneoneoneoneone))))))) the one and one Irie
lightening and thunder
one nation under god indivisible with liberty and justice for all
one people united by love with peace and justice for all
I want the world on a string to spin in my my my my my my heart’s spin in a gleam with a ream of justice in economy for all full of bull
A wedding ring an office slur poetry in the afterlife
nose too big stomach too flabby
It’s inflatable unpredictable accounts payable receivable I’m not accountable for your bills my assets are not bequeathable retractable to your psycho babble circumscribable to your collectable circumstancial financials I’m familiar with the details
Fastidious and obsessive compulsive a hidden insidious agenda oblivious to the truth
I keep up with doctor ruth who lives in my hood
Embracing brotherhood understood under the fresh scent of cedarwood tree
The world will imbibe truth like a newborn with a new milk tooth
forsooth my youth I search like a sleuth
for the word shall be the truth
and the truth will set me free
Sunday, December 12, 2010
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