I HATE MY FAT, I WANT TO GO BACK TO THINNER ME

I see you -hiding inside -under so many layers of fat, carefully placed and misplaced

Inside and outside, you gain and lose in a cycle of fat to thin again

I try to see it is me but I see someone else, she’s not me. 

That woman I see in the mirror, I deny she’s me. 

I want to stop eating, makes my life so complicated because everything seems to be about food while life becomes more sedentary against my will

I don’t know what to do, so many theories about emotions

I want to walk more but my feet hurt, sometimes my hips ache, time chimes

Reflects my image in a mirror, Caught in a web of suspense to see who I am today cause everyday when I awake I’m a new becoming me

Betrayed by my shell, I hide as much of me as I can inside armor

Keep crying help, keep on trucking doing what I do

My system runs amuck and a thunder – I wish I could control my mind

I’m addicted to food – hard to forego food

Eat falafel - fills me up so much, eat Baba -Ghanoush loaded on tons of salad, 

seems to not matter – no matter what I consume … I can’t say, no excuses

Digesting food takes up too much time – I feel like I’m part of organized crime defending sublime

Give me water, honey and lemon- I promise I’ll still survive

I question me– why am I doing this to myself

Yet I hide myself watching me, I see myself from the outside

Creep out from the inside

I yell free me so I can move with the flow

I creep back inside to hide me from myself 

you know where I’m going with this

From humiliation and aspirations all combined, tied with a big purple bow

Put in front of you I am me in front of me I see me and become afraid Of who I am that I made me who I am to you I am you in a wounded knee I see who we are 

Who – attempt to reject self loathing

I am me, wounded, beneath who you are

Hide in plain sight in an underground version of myself

I ride deep waves within myself, diving deeper I fear I’m forever lost

Who is the self I claim to be trapped inside me waiting for a way outside myself

No escape, like a trapped bull in china of life trying to escape from myself 

Caught in an endless loops of myrioscope kaleidoscope color

Endless blues persist as I judge who I am

I see a violet sky inside me

Exploding in years of pain

Abstaining from gain I constrain myself

I’m a bloodstain of pain from which I came

I hide from myself and ask how did I ever withstand myself

Caught on a continental shelf I conspire to divide myself, prove myself, 

I will be a band of oneself to expand and assert myself, 

I will be a prayer of despair 

More morbid in beware

Nothing works that worked before

Now I hear all in my head

If I eat properly and see myself thin I will be – really?

Compare healthcare 

Impaired, play side chair in the affair, arise out of nowhere, I exist, I am somewhere, here to defend

I am sightseer in my own life, like a replay game in surround sound, can’t understand fear is …

So lonely inside, longing for love, I seek, I cry, 

worth the weight, FATE of my soul, I inquire, FIRE up insights

GET TO BE SEE THE REAL ME

IN REVERIE

In reverie of poetry, permit me to say

I’ve put up with my fair share of despair and let me downs
 -some hard - some easier

It’s all the same, like disappointment about disparaging remarks about my pink hair

Hair’s faded from bright red I admit

Hearing insults from important poets known on the scene about my poetry not being “real” poetry 

My poetry’s not authentic; it’s eccentric

I don’t know how you can get more real than me

My poetry is me and then some more

It has room for me and you in store

You find yourselves in here, inside a poem

Be careful what you say round me

I will quote you

in a poem

It’s no good to say I should delay

You say and pray I won’t consider putting your words in a poem even though you know that’s what I do

Repeat after me – I forbid you to put this in a poem

So if it’s not goose for the gander stop feeding me

Give me some respect for what I do

I spill my blood and guts for you

I receive letters from people who read what I write

I received one today from a nice girl. She said she’s sorry for my life, she feels so sad for me, she’s just glad she’s not here where I am, she wouldn’t know what to do if she stood here where I stand in my shoes,

She doesn’t know anyone who’s had it this bad

She just don’t know how I manage to survive a life this sad

I told her, "Suicide’s a waste of time,

I’d rather spend my energy writing poetry."

She said, "You suck at poetry!

You can’t write “real” poetry anyway."

You think I’m pulling your leg?

Then whose leg am I pulling? ~

Mine?

Damn, if I had my legs pulled a little, maybe this hip pain wouldn’t hurt so bad

So I’m an old fool who writes poetry – 

What did you say you do?