Sweet almond
shaped soft brown stared me in the eyes, naked desire written all over him, his
stance, and his gestalt. I became more curious the clearer it became that he
was intent on conquering me although I couldn’t understand why.
Felix was
beautiful to look at; five feet nine, lithe, strong sinewy muscles, small frame
but extremely well formed. Curvy at the waist and hips, I could see muscled
physique under his T-shirt. Felix had beautiful golden skin with curly black
hair almost too his shoulders, a little less curly than a Jewish Afro. I
watched the sunlight through his hair and my curiosity turned to admiration.
I have never felt
beautiful excepting a few rare occasions. My flabby body always made me feel
inadequate and it seemed no matter how hard I exercised I could only lessen the
plight that plagued my self esteem.
He stood there
staring at me, he tossed his head, his black curly changed through sun streams,
sienna autumn hair strands bathed in color, sparkling eyes have golden light.
He told me later he
envisioned us together bathing naked in a river, me suntanned becoming more
beautiful, such a delight. He said that was the moment he knew he wanted me to
be his wife.
I stared back,
being defiant and sure I can do too what he is doing.
“Your eyes are
beautiful, the color keeps changing while I’m looking at you.”
“Really, but I
could use a new body if you know what a mean.”
Surprised by his
compliment, I took a moment. I was used to men wanting sex with me for
apparently no other reason than to have sex, so I was burned and wary of going
any route near that. Such disappointments not to find love the way I wanted.
He grinned widely.
“What’s your name? I’m Felix. I want to be with you.”
“Really,” I
drawled sarcastically in my nasal New Yawk voice. “Any other requests at this
time? I’m taking them by the bushel tonight. You’re the fifth to want to be
with me tonight.”
In my peripheral
vision I saw other people watching us and other women staring at him in a way
that embarrassed me. Two guys looked my way and quickly turned away to watch
the gals who were watching Felix. The dudes were impervious; they didn’t see
that the gals were busy. I recall the girl’s bodies, with the little butts
peeking out from beneath their short shorts. Felix didn’t glance their way. Passersby
looking to avail themselves on someone other than me did stop to look at
peek-a-boo butts. I had become accustomed to the daily assholes seeking a place
to deep six their dicks. It makes me tired.
Felix laughed,
“Wow, a woman who seeks her mind. Just what I’ve always wanted. …Come over here
and talk to me. I don’t bite.”
His desire burned me.
My face felt hot, I knew I colored scarlet. My mouth spoke for me. “You come
here, why should I go there.”
He grinned and
came closer, holding out his hand. “Com’on shake hands at least.”
I put out my hand, and he kissed
it. “I don’t want you for tonight,” he said, “I want you forever.”
I felt like we’d
turned invisible. Our eyes entered a locked embrace. People pretended not to see
us.
He whispered in my
ear, bringing his mouth close to my ear, his breath making me shiver.
“Let them all go
and we’ll go for a walk alone.”
I was paralyzed, and
sat down while he stood watch over me. “Let’s go,” he said, offering me his
hand. When I gave it to him he kissed it softly his lips pressing. I wondered
if he done some tongue, it felt so wet it tickled. He gave a pull and we walked
out together, eyes locked the entire time. Time stood still while I fell in
love.
Our eyes slowly
parted as if we were saying goodbye to another life.
I laughed, glowing with his desire for
me. Not that I didn’t desire him. I was definitely turned on. I had no place to
take him.
My uterus felt
like it was throbbing. The heat made my stomach churn, my body impassioned.
We
sat watching the sunset at Fort Tryon Park. He held my hand and gazed into my
eyes. “I’ve never met anyone with eyes like the sea to get lost in. You’re
beautiful!” His eyes held a moonlit gaze bathing me in praise. His words made
my uterus spasm as though his dick was inside me.
Listening to him
speak, his words flowing over me like soft warm water, I lost my balance and
got carried away in a flood of romantic banter.
He let go of my
hand and put his arm around my shoulders. We sat quietly watching. He leaned
over and pushed my head to his shoulder. “That’s better, maybe now I can hear
your thoughts.”
After this hot
introduction would you believe it was two months before we had sex? Felix came
every night to see me after work. Where ever we went we went together. I always
made him laugh. It was either that or he became angry, no in between for him.
Frustration made him angry and he didn’t like to be talked back to in spite of
our first meeting. I am not sure if this is how he meant to conquer me or if he
gave it any thought at all and was totally always in a form of reaction. My
desire steamed like lava on a mountain running downhill.
I always felt like
it was Déjà Vu except when he was angry. He exploded often. Our first fight
occurred when I asked, “Just curious, what are you.” He stared at me blankly,
his eyes narrowing.
“What do you mean?
I’m a citizen of the world he said.”
“Well that’s some
bullshit,” I quickly retorted. I know you’re from Santo Domingo.”
“I don’t associate
myself with other Dominicans and if you know where I’m from, then what are you
asking?”
The words stuck on
my tongue. “Race, I wonder what color you are. You have such beautiful skin
color and I wonder what you are.”
“I’m not going to
answer that! You’re prejudiced or you wouldn’t ask that question.”
“I’m more curious
than prejudiced,” I explained. “Your skin is so golden tan, I just figure you
have more race than white.”
“I told you I’m a
citizen of the world.”
“Maybe you don’t
know and that’s why you won’t reply?”
“Don’t keep going
there, or I’m out of here.”
I let it go and
ended up crying feeling very misunderstood. I had never been accused of racism
before because I was one of the few people in my neighborhood to always hang
out with all the minorities. Seemed like I couldn’t make friends with my own
kind. Sometime later I saw his Dominican passport and his race was listed as
Indio. I figured that was what they called it when they had no clue and the person
looked like they were dipped in light gold with caramel shadows. Felix was
lovely to look at, and seemed perfect. I couldn’t know or fooled myself about
all the indicators of something off as I always do when I am falling in love or
in love.
Later he confessed
he’d loved me at from the first moment we met. Felix would gaze into my eyes,
and my breasts ached, my nipples longed to be elongated by sucking and his
touch. Imagine the letdown when we finally had sex and I realized he had no
experience, plus he was very inhibited, all that on top of ejaculating within
three minutes. Sex improved with comfort, taking time, lying entwined in each
other and talking for hours like new lovers do.
I struggle to recall
wrongs and rights. Our visions of love were different but we were both wrong
and right. We were two wounded birds. It’s as though others similarly afflicted
could smell my wounds from far they’d flock my way. Neither of us had ever
experience true love where someone will sacrifice himself for you. We only knew
what we’d seen before and we didn’t know how to create something new either.
My hormones raged
for compensation wanting more than thrills. When he entered me, my uterus
skipped a beat. He moved in my vagina to a beat only we heard. I saw it in his mouth,
the curve of his lips, that feeling of condescension that he knew he could have
me and I was his. I had no choice in this young foolish love that can’t find
its way on a slow snaked day where it rains all day, and when day is about to
end, finally the sun shines once more. Déjà Vu all over again.
*My son's father, Felix, passed away two years ago today.
