Thursday, November 20, 2008

A Freudian Slip ...

Do you suppose - it’s an accidentally on purpose mistake - a Freudian slip? Do you want to throw rocks or count sins, and then who’s will you count first, yours or mine?
Inadvertently 5 years of saved emails were erased. I can’t understand how these things happen in our cyber world lives. I use a convenient excuse. It happened as a side effect from my most recent software upgrade. These upgrades appear while I’m on the computer no matter what I’m doing. Soft grade available here for your computer. Click here for more information or to upgrade now - I’m instructed.
As the result of my last upgrade, my computer desktop divides itself into pretty little pixilated boxes, slowly disappearing as I click on various parts of a document, website or photos, so I can finally get my desktop back. You see how far this has progressed that the computer screen has become my virtual desktop and is where I store everything. As I click on the pixilated boxes, my document slowly appears like magic out of nowhere.
Now do you think it’s inadvertently or purposefully that I’ve deleted emails stretching back over 5 years. They have sublimely and subliminally disappeared forever, gone in a millimeter flash of one second, 5 years of stored memories. In my universe my mails have disappeared from society’s grip.
I want the solace of a moment of silence, a reprieve from the stampede of your judgments stalling my way. Do you think that’s why I tossed them coincidentally, transcendentally removing the spirit of lost words to whence they come?
Yo, it’s rough on a sister out here. My neighbor says to me as I pass her by, “Nice to see you. People don’t make their judgments of important life events on temporary situations.”
“Good to see you too,” I said. “I’m so glad it’s an existential society.”
“What?” she said, mouth agape.
“You know,” I said, “we have the power to recreate ourselves continuously.”
“Oh," she said, I don’t get it, your life is so unreal to me, like a story.”
“I know, I said, “I’m so blessed to be living it.”
“People were different back in my day,” she said authoritatively.
“So glad to have entertained you,” I said making my way back into my lonely apartment hiding space.
I am back to my original thesis; do you think I deleted 5 years of emails accidentally on purpose? I feel like I’ve erased 5 years of my prior life. And really, don’t tell me. Is it that easy? Don’t be offended now when you say to me don’t you remember and I tell you I no longer remember some long forgotten email I’d previously valued which is now destroyed and only exists in some alternate cyber universe.


  1. I love the surreal hallway conversation -- and how both the narrator and the neighbor become the 'strange one' at different moments! For me this is the Freudian Slip of this essay. Perhaps an alter of yours, feeling jealous of the computer's capcity to remember things, deleted the emails when you weren't looking? Just a thought...Thanks for the writing.

  2. joy I really enjoyed the read, loved the battling psyches, makes you ponder individuality and the norm, and possibly who the real entertainers are, this is among my favorite so far, so talented you are

  3. I can relate to this.. having lost 2 years of everything on my computer a few weeks ago due to a hard drive failer... I one way it's another way sad.. I lost all my early poetry except for what I had in my readings notebook. THe poetry I miss the rest.. not.
    Life goes on.
    I wish I could let go of other aspects of my life as easily...

    Sometimes accidentally on purpose isn't so bad...

  4. always wondered about this existentialist angle in our lives... what remains when suddenly the essence of our words, messages and missives just evaporate? do we change becaus eof all that? how much? even this neighbor who barely understands the relevance of the incident in your life, probably will have other 'existential' problems of hers to recount if she knew what you meant. found this post very interesting. Although i haven't experienced anything like that yet, :-), once changing my blog name and waiting for the whole world to acknowledge it proved to be agonizing and utterly confounding. Take care Joy.
    I am off to India on Monday and won;t probably be very frequent on the web for some time at least. Have to deal with that agony somehow :-)!!

  5. Five yrs of emails lost. OMFG! But sometimes you do erase the past and change, for better or worse.
    BTW, who is your muse in the poem?
    and you haven't been reading me! :(((

  6. Yes, this very thing has happened to me and my Paul. It stinks to lose things that way. It's so nice to read things from you because I feel so in tune with many of your subjects. My grandfather used to tease about accidentally on purpose... some e-mails I could stand to have deleted on me - but for some reason I keep them around to toture myself...

  7. Our first five years are probably erased too. But in subconscious all is retained forever. Dream youself back into each of those words, commas and periods. Dream youself back to womb and beyond.
    We shall all burst into flame in a minute, anyway.

  8. I've had incidents that happened completely out of control. like a printer printing 30 pictures when all I needed was one. and losing material is so heartbreaking. a work that could never be duplicated. thus the encounter in the hall. I bet she was taken aback at the "existialist" remark.
    A day in the life. Joy