What's it Like?

What Is It Like

I’m a rightfully accused self hating bitch,
mistreated, abused, neglected, recused, ignored and unwanted—
never wanted – since my birth – told by my mother,
I didn’t want another child I couldn’t afford to feed.

Years wasted – never understanding, a child forced to be adult
yet have a child’s mind
With no escape from who they were and who I was –
Unliked all around, fat, unattractive,
recall feeling happy when two girls approached me
alone in the school yard, said would you like to come to a lollipop party –
my mouth open to reply – surprised two popular girls would talk to me –,
scorn uniting their eyes upon me, they laughed loudly – storming away
yelling “sucker” I never knew what they meant or even what they said
because it made no sense to me – or should I say slow sense

Relieve me of my memories that intrude on my soul –
trail me, refusing to let go – the worst remain the longest

What is it like to be alone with many around
To have a mother so sick, so miserable she couldn’t care
Could not see aloneness
Told me I was unplanned for, unwanted
A dad so lost in his own mind he could not see me
except to know he helped create me

What is it like to have a life so blessed with sadness
a little kindness can comfort

Lord, what is it like to be lost in a sea of mankind
to take the road you wish you’d taken
What’s it like to have kindness and graciousness combined
Bestowed upon you for its own sake
To have someone care for you the way you wish you’d been cared for
What’s it like to know love, to be loved, to have that connection
you long for but never had
Where do you find it Lord. Is love found through prayer
And where is the soulmate I seek?