Saturday, September 07, 2013

Criticism betrays me

I’m so bad that people gather together to conspire to criticize me. They review and share my misdeeds sitting in judgment of stupid things starting with how improper I am to scratch my head. I say out loud the unsaid things no one else would ever say.

Criticized on all sides. One sister calls me fickle because I dumped some stupid guy. But she sure dumped a lot more guys than me. In her next breath she said I was insane and proved myself a doormat to put up with his shit.

My miss fine manners –I always looked up to her, saw her as more beautiful than me and so smart. She knew how to behave. She could fool anyone into believing anything. She probably believed it all herself. She fooled two therapists at one time proving two was just as easy as one to deceive. She would see each and tell them different versions of the same events. She told me she needed one for her heart and the other for her mind. She discards garbage passing through our lives, hiding things from herself. She can no longer see what is deception, an illusion, sees all as her own private truths. Like me, she lives in a private world of delusion, a flimsy sense of right and wrong betray us, see the world through a film of gauze and baubles. I am let down by my perceptions.

Others are more sensible, think it through, avoid trouble. I try and do the same as I observe others have done, and am called insane and crazy though I’ve been called worse than that too.

I dream I’m talking to Buck Henry, “Buck,” I tell him, “I’d rather be faithful but when I get unhappy I also get unfaithful.” He laughs and agrees.  It’s like I told Buck Henry about being unfaithful. I’d rather not throw stones but how many do you take and turn away before you throw some back. Imagine! She is a plagiarizer and you a drunken fool who have nothing to show for all your years of work because of the alcohol. Killing yourself slowly, your brain no longer tells you where to go.

Criticizing you doesn’t make me feel better. I feel the worst for it. How unkind to put down a friend for a silly thing like scratching her head. That is crazy. I resolve not to continue to be unkind so I apologize for all my wrongs.

Who gave you leave to play god to my queen or think you’re so perfect you have the right to judge anyone.

He has a predilection for prostitutes along with his alcohol. He doesn’t use protection. I know about these things but don’t use it as a weapon. And my other accuser, his favorite girl, is a plagiarist. He wrote all her papers. She explained that God put him there to write them for her. She wouldn’t be a nurse if it weren’t for him. I pray she’ll never nurse anyone I know. Oops my bad, I agree you’re both better than me – so where does that get you? This is friendship for you? I have lost my way to call someone a friend who criticizes me for stupid stuff.

I’m selling tickets now so stand in line to criticize me.

Julio says,  “These people are not your friends. Leave them behind. Put yourself with positive people. You have no luck sister because you were a fallen in a past life. Everyone kicks a falling star. It’s in your planets to be a humanitarian. Take yourself away from negativity. Don’t think about negative people and only be with those who are positive. Do this sister and stay positive and move towards the light and everything will be all right.”

I’m moving on to a new hemisphere. Bygones are bygones are even woebegone. I’d accept an apology but I understand it’s more important to be right. New beginnings are out’a sight! I make a new year’s resolution to make more friends… and to always make amends.

Author's note*

*Originally I wrote this then changed it a great deal but today in looking at my various versions of this piece, I felt this one had merit too, so put it up. I get confused sometimes because I have so many versions of the same piece. The later version can be seen here:
Stand In Line To Criticize Me